Warrior Moms: Surviving Child Loss
A club no one wants to be in because the initiation is too big of a sacrifice: the loss of a child. Unthinkable. Unimaginable. Warrior Moms is local group in north Atlanta filled with strong, courageous, funny, and fiercely loving women who are surviving and thriving amidst horrific grief.
This podcast features Amy Durham and Michele Davis, two of the Warrior Moms, who will guide listeners through their grief journey. Every fourth or fifth episode will showcase another Warrior Mom, the trauma they endured, stories about their beloved child, and tips on how they get out of bed every day.
Each and every Warrior Moms' story is different, the children and the loss is different, but one thing they share is the decision to live. They have figured out how to live life putting one foot in the past and the other moving forward. Yes, it's beyond awful. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's worth it. And yes, they say, you can survive child loss AND thrive.
Warrior Moms: Surviving Child Loss
Nicole Canamare: Gavin's Story: S2 Ep4
Grief can split a life in two—before the call and after. We sit with Nicole Canamare to honor her son Gavin, a brown‑eyed, quick‑witted middle child who traded team sports for skateboards and a boxing ring, journaled dreams into a logo called 7Love, and fought addiction with a courage that never boasted. Nicole takes us from school struggles and ADD labels to the moment a prescription helped, then harmed, and the night a hospital chair turned fear into naming the truth: addiction had taken hold and treatment was urgent.
What follows is the real timeline so many families know but seldom speak aloud—rehab, relapse, resolve, and the decision to work the steps with intention. There’s a rare Labor Day with family photos, amends made in hard conversations, and a workplace that stood by him. Then comes the Friday call and the kind of silence that only shock understands. Community crowds the house and somehow their laughter downstairs becomes a blanket. When sleep won’t come, Psalm 23 does. Anger gives way to a quiet assurance that Gavin’s pain is gone, even as Nicole’s remains.
We talk about the second year’s permanence, the strange twinship of joy and sorrow with new grandchildren, and why saying a child’s name matters. Nicole shares grounded, practical ways forward: return to simple rituals like gardening, seek faith or peer support that can hold heavy truths, and say yes to gentle plans without abandoning your limits. Strength doesn’t mean it feels better; it means you can carry what you couldn’t yesterday.
Gavin’s legacy lives through the 7Love Foundation—his handwritten vision turned into a mission to support families navigating addiction, a space too often left behind. If you’ve ever felt alone facing addiction, relapse, or bereavement, this conversation offers language, companionship, and a path toward purpose. Subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review with one insight you’re taking into your own life.
"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton
Thank you for listening to Warrior Moms podcast. It is an honor to share about our beloved children gone too soon, and we hope by telling of our loss, it may help someone in their grief journey. Please note that we are not medical professionals and encourage those listening to seek help from mental health professionals.
We'd love to hear from our followers!
Website: https://www.warriormoms.me/
DONATE * Listen to Other Podcast Episodes * Sign up for Newsletter * Get on our Retreat Waitlist * Invite Us to Speak * Contact us!
With love,
Warrior Moms Amy & Michele
Hello and welcome back to Warrior Mom season two. Wow, Amy, we are in episode three.
SPEAKER_03:Rockin' and rolling. Rockin' and rolling. Yes. And I think that we're excited to be back, especially in season two, just as much as you know, everybody else is. I hope. I hope they're all excited about it. Um, but I am excited about our guest today. Um, I felt like she was a kindred spirit as soon as I saw her. Um, a friend of, you know, those, you know, your Facebook BFFs, so to speak, that you haven't seen in 25 years, you know, but someone shared her story um about her son Gavin, and I reached out to her and invited her to the retreat first and foremost, but just really enjoy getting to know her. Um, our stories are very similar in that, you know, we're the on the outside, we're the I'm not gonna say white picket fence, but we look like we have it all together, at least at one time in our lives. We did, right? So, but um, but with the addiction and just the whole thing. So it's I'm really excited to talk to um our new friend Nicole Canamare. And um, we're gonna learn all about her son, Gavin. Yes, well, thanks for being on with us tonight.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, welcome. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you so much. I wanted to start out by saying, too, that um it's it's very exciting to me how this meeting of friendships even happened. And uh very quickly uh I want to share that in one weekend, and it was the weekend of Gavin's um birthday, actually, I had four different people that were not connected reach out to me and ask me if I had heard about warrior moms and if I had the book. And I was like, and I had a friend that brought me the book that weekend. And I was like, okay, God, I am hearing you. And then Amy sends me a message with an invite to the retreat that same weekend. And it just could not be ignored the way God was moving in all of that. And even though I let you ignore it, he was not gonna let you, and even though I felt very nervous to come, um, I I with full confidence knew that it was exactly where God wanted me. And then, of course, after attending the retreat, was that just confirmed? Um, it was just such a beautiful weekend, and um, you two I know were very instrumental in making that happen. And so I feel blessed to be here.
SPEAKER_03:Oh no, thank you.
SPEAKER_02:Well, thank you. Well, that I love those just intersections that are more than that, right? It is absolutely um God putting us and people and and things in a in our path. Um, so let's let's hear about Gavin. What um what are the wonderful things when you think of him? You know, we talked about that at the retreat, sort of those little snapshot moments.
SPEAKER_01:So Gavin was my brown-eyed baby boy. Um, he is the middle of two amazing siblings. Uh, Braden is our oldest, and he is now about to turn 29. Talk about feeling old. Um, and then Gavin is the middle, and then our third is Ava, who is 21. And Gavin is the only one that got these beautiful, deep, almost black brown eyes. And I was just a sucker for those eyes from the get-go. I mean, the kid could do say anything, and I just had to like, you know, it's just that I just melted, you know. Um, beautiful boy. And as a kid, he always had a mind of his own. Always. Like he just carved his own path. I'll never forget, it was probably around middle school, and they weren't popular yet, but he wanted to wear skinny jeans and not just like a denim skinny jean. He wanted to wear like all colors, like I had to go buy yellow, purple, you know, and nobody else was wearing them, but he did not care. He just always had his his own style and his own personality, um, which we loved, you know. We were like, go for it, man. Just be different and and be yourself. That's right. Ub you. Um, he was a always also a very observant child, even. So, like, let's say we had we went out to dinner or say, and we come home, and Gavin would say, Hey, did you notice his shoes he was wearing, or this, this, and this about him? He was just always so something, things that none of us noticed about the person we were had had dinner with for two hours. And he did, and he loved to try new things. Um, our oldest son Braden always told him, if I had even in one finger the amount of athleticism that you have, I would be an NFL player right now, right? He just was naturally very good at everything he tried, very athletic, but not a fan of group sports at all. Just was not about it. We tried all of them. He wanted to quit mid-season. We're like, we don't quit in the middle of a season. You gotta finish the season out. And then he finally just learned to not try it because he wasn't gonna like it. So he was like, I'm done with that. But he loved, he loved skateboarding, he loved snowboarding, um, skateboarding so much that my husband Alex built him a half pipe in our very small backyard in a neighborhood so that he could skateboard whenever he wanted. Um, that was that was fun. And then um in high school, he found boxing and it was his thing, man. He just he thrived. He picked it up so quickly. He was blessed with amazing coaches who are mentoring him and supporting him. And he just he loved it. And they were like, this kid is good, like he is good at this. And we saw um a discipline in him that we had not seen before. You know, I wasn't having to like gotta get to practice, son. Let's go. We got to get in the car, let's go. He was getting up and he was doing it on his own. It was the first thing that he really found that we could see that he was like, I'm gonna do this. I'm I'm gonna box. He wanted to box in the Olympics. He was like, I'm gonna be a USA boxer. And he just was passionate about it. And that was just so exciting for us to see, you know, this passion that he had. Um, he was also very much of an entrepreneur mindset, always wanted to start a little business. Like, came home and said, I'm gonna start a pool cleaning business. I said, son, we live in Georgia. Like, we're not in Florida. Everybody doesn't have a pool. I don't care. I'm gonna figure it out. So he Googles, you know, what what do you do? Chemicals, that kind of thing. And he just was always coming up with these little things that he wanted to do. And so in high school, he he had this, um, he was a big journaler. And little little did I know how important those journals and all those things he had written down for years would be to us. I have notebooks of his of his thoughts and whether he was sketching, kind of drawing something out or journaling. Now, some of it, I'm not gonna lie, does not make sense to me. But I'm like, his poor little head, whatever was in there, he was writing down, right? But he started to sketch out this um logo, let's say. And he finally was like, This is it. I love this one. And it was a seven and an L. And I said, Oh, what does that stand for? And he was like, It stands for seven love. And he wanted to have a clothing line that said seven love. And he said, Mom, seven is the number for perfection in the Bible, and then love is what God has for us. He was like, So it's God's perfect love. And I was like, Okay, that's good.
SPEAKER_00:I like that. I can get behind that.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, that's so cool. We'll get we'll talk more about that in a little bit since the end of the podcast for sure.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and how that's part of his legacy. So he created some hats and some t-shirts, and of course, all the family bought one, and we've got pictures in his original hats and t-shirts, and people from high school are buying them from him. Um, so I just loved his little his entrepreneur spirit, and um, you know, it was just a really unique thing about him. Um, and I would be remiss if I did not say that if I have to pick, you know, you can't pick one favorite thing about any of your children, but he was our comedian, and he made me laugh all day, every day. Ava used to say to me, Mom, you think he is the funniest person in the world? I said, Yes, actually I do. I think he is the funniest person. And he was just goofy, and he and I both like to dance, and so we dance, we have, we'd have dance parties together, and I have so many videos of him dancing and being goofy, and he just, he just was, and he would come into a room, and that's just what you felt, right? Was that energy about him? And the best hugger, he is a he was a front, he wasn't giving you no side hug. He is a front squeezer, you know, and so his hugs were just absolutely the best, absolutely the best. Um, so yeah, he just an amazing, an amazing person.
SPEAKER_03:Now, Nicole, I know that he was addiction is part of y'all's story. So when did that, when did y'all first start noticing um issues? Is what I'm gonna call them.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you know, Amy, that's actually been a question that um I've had several people ask me in the last couple of years. And even during the years, so we walked six years um of addiction with Gavin. And even during those years, you know, especially in the beginning years of addiction as a parent, you automatically try to go back and find something to blame it on. You know, oh well, I don't know, maybe my husband and I had a fight and this has made him who he is, or you know, it's like we have this need as a parent, especially to make sense of it all.
SPEAKER_02:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:And so, but but there were there were things not that caused addiction, but I can go back to Gavin as a very small child. Um, he was a late talker, uh, required speech therapy. He really struggled his entire academic career in school, like really struggled. And I don't want to speak out of line, but the first thing that a lot of teachers, not all of them, but that a lot of teachers or school staff want to say is he has ADD. He's a boy, he's too hyper, he has ADD. So we, so I'm like, I just, you know, it says mine, like he doesn't have ADD. He's a boy that doesn't need to sit in a desk for eight hours a day. Well, it was it was kind of hindering him in class. And so he was in elementary school and I agreed to go have some testing done. We tried some medication for a very brief time against my gut. I did go against my gut feeling. Oh, we tried some medication. He had some really bad side effects. And I said, you know what, this is not worth it for us. This in our particular situation, every situation's different, but it was not working for us. So we weaned him off of that. And my husband and I just always had to work very hard to whether it was with tutoring or you had to sit down and do homework with him, but also in building his confidence because what started to happen was he started to recognize ever or and feel like everybody else is getting this and I'm not getting it. So I'm done, right? I mean, that's what a kid, that's how a quid a kid equates that in their mind. And so we started to see that as he got older. And of course, we were in his corner saying, no, you're not, everybody learns differently, you know. But as they get older, that them seeing that it it becomes stronger than our words of encouragement to him.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. That's so impactful on kids.
SPEAKER_01:It really is. And so then what it would happen too, guys, is he so he became the class clown, right? So he because he was funny, right? So that was easy. So let me just be funny in class to distract from the fact that I'm not gonna sit here and do this assignment and get in trouble in school. I mean, it never failed. That kid, you guys know not every kid needs parent teacher conferences after a certain age, right? It's like it's not a you don't have to go except mine. Every slipping year. At Miss Candemare, we need a parent teacher conference, and every single conference led with he is so sweet and he is so cute. And I said, but but what? I mean, like, here it comes. He he was very respectful, he was very kind, but he was distracting from the fact. So come his sophomore year of high school, um, he was failing. And so we did have to make some decisions. And so I thought, okay, he's older, he's more responsible, he can tell me how he's feeling. So we'll revisit this. So we found uh a doctor that I trusted. We went through, did all the testing again. He said, Yes, I think he could benefit from an ADD drug. So I talked with Gavin, I was like, okay, and so we we tried a particular medication, and for about six months, um, it was working. He he did feel like he had a better focus, he was like, it was boosting his confidence, he felt better. Um, about six months in, he started to figure out that he could take multiple of those pills in a day and he could stay up longer. He could he could have this feeling of being up, right? I do want to go back to as he became an early teenager, there were some mental health things that started to show up that do tend to show up as they get older, right? And so we were seeing psychiatrists and and doing our due diligence there as well, because he would have stouts of depression. Um, he would have anxiety, he would get himself very worked up about his future. I'm what am I gonna do?
SPEAKER_03:I'm not gonna be able to do this, I'm not, and just couldn't really be he was tripping on his future, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, yes, Amy, yes, exactly. And so that was there as well. And so I was very careful when he was um prescribed this medication because I had done research and I knew I knew what could happen. I knew what this could mean for someone whose brain worked the way Gavin's brain worked. And you know, the scary thing about addiction is that, and I don't say this so that another parent hears this and automatically assumes my child's gonna be an addict. That is not at all what I'm trying to share at all. However, for those of us that have walked this with a child that did form an addiction, no one knows they're gonna be addicted until they're addicted. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Right? I mean, that you don't set out to be addicted to anything. Right. So we couldn't have known that this prescribed medication was going to be the start of his battle with addiction, which is exactly what it was. So we eventually took him off of the medication because I figured out he was abusing it. So then he just bought it, would buy an Adderall from someone at school or buy it, you know, somewhere.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, well then he needed to anywhere, anywhere, it's so easily accessible. And so then he would drink alone in his room to come down, to come to go to sleep, because he needed something to bring him down. And so these habits started. And in the beginning, as parents, we would even say to each other, Well, maybe he's just being a teenager, you know. Unfortunately, some teenagers experiment with these kinds of things. He's just being a teenager, he'll grow out of it. Yeah, and that's all that's of course is your hope. And but things start to happen through addiction that put you and back you into a corner as a parent where decisions have to be made. Um, and a lot of times for us that equated to tough love, it equated to very hard parenting because we couldn't allow some of his choices and the things that he was doing um to happen.
SPEAKER_03:And that's heartbreaking because And that is the hard line. I've I always talk about that line. It is a fine line between normal teenage behavior and oh my gosh, we have a problem. Yes, crossing into that we have a problem lane is it's a heartbreak of that you can't even I can only imagine. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah, you're so right, Amy. And I think it it took us probably about a year to to say there was an incident that happened and um we had to go pick Gavin up from somewhere. And I, when I saw him in that state, I lost it. And I looked at my husband and I said, We have to go to the hospital. We we are no longer equipped to help him, and we have to do everything that we can do to help him. And we went to the hospital and they checked him in. And I haven't shared this moment very often, but I he's in the the chair where they're running all his, like taking his blood pressure and everything. And I'm sitting, I'm sitting across from him and I'm looking at my baby, and I'm like, he's an addict. It was the moment that I realized that he has a problem with addiction, and it just tore me in to pieces. And that also in those moments, the the hardest moments of that realization are also moments where God showed up in a major way. He brought, he brought the right nurses, he brought the right advocate. Um, and from there is when he went to his first, he went to his first rehab from there. And that started that that journey.
SPEAKER_03:And there was never how old was he at that point?
SPEAKER_01:So he was. 17. Okay. 17, almost 18 years old at that point. Um, he was forced to he had to um drop out of school. We we went into um foothills academy so he could finish. And and as moms, you will appreciate this, but I was now driving him to school again to make sure that he finished, right? Um, because you are going to have a high school degree. I don't care whether you like it or think it's important right now or not. And uh we have a really we we have a really sweet moment where he graduated and it was way past his normal friend's graduation, right? And my family was all my family was here, and we did a mock graduation with a graduation gown, I guess, for my oldest son. And my cousin like flipped his tassel and we made the joke that he was the valedictorian of his class. Like that's great. I love it, you know. But we just we celebrated his wins, you know, we celebrated his wins, and and I was more proud of him in that graduation, to be honest, than I was of my other two kids' graduation because it took so much effort for for him.
SPEAKER_03:It was half of yours, it was half of yours.
SPEAKER_01:And I felt right, yeah. I was graduating from high school again, too. That's right. So, you know, we we uh he went into his first rehab and um he he really didn't fight it. Um, he he knew he needed to be there, he he recognized that he wanted help. Um, he didn't want to live the rest of his life like that. And that remained the constant for the six years. Gavin would have never, never, not one time said to us with pride or with any sort of attitude that this is where what he wanted to be as a person. He and and that as a parent as well is another thing that's so heartbreaking because you are desperately praying for God to take this from them. I mean, once that moment, and Amy, like you said, that you've crossed the line and you know that they have a problem, and addiction is a sickness and it requires treatment. And so you pray over that sickness just like I would if he had been diagnosed with cancer. I'm praying the same exact way.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:You know, God remove this from his life, give him a peace of mind and give him a confidence in himself that but it it's a sickness and it it changes the chemistry of their brain, and we watch that happen, and we have a lot of moments that I don't really talk about. There's a lot of traumatic moments where Gavin was a different person. I was looking physically at my son, but I was hearing the sickness, I was hearing a different person, his actions were a different person, and so y'all were in and out of uh recovery and addiction for you said six or seven years.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And um in 2023, um he uh we had an incident where we looked at him again and said, you have to go to recovery, Gavin. Like you can do this. I don't care if we have to go to 10 recoveries, 15 recoveries in your life. There's there's gonna come a time that it's you know, and I I I can I don't want to speak on statistics or anything, but that mid-20s is such a hard time, especially for males. It is such that, you know, they haven't developed. They're not there yet. It's like, and I just kept thinking to myself, God, just let him let him get to like 30. Like I feel like he's gonna mature and he's gonna like wake up one day and be like, okay, I'm done. You know, that was kind of like, I don't know why I had that in my head, that that's what would happen. But, you know, because it was just so much of it was in maturity, you know, at at 22, 23 years old. And so he went, he went willingly, but he did, he did go with crying and said, Mom, I I can't, I can't be the kid that's that's in in and out of recovery for the rest of his life. I I just and I said, You're right, you can't. And that's why you gotta dig your heels in and you gotta do this. And he had never, he had never um until this time in 2023, this was the first time that he said, okay, I'm gonna get a sponsor, I'm gonna, I'm gonna work the steps, I'm gonna be intentional, I'm gonna be on purpose about this. Um, he was having those very hard conversations, uh, Labor Day of that year, so September of that year. Um, my oldest son was home. My oldest son is a captain in the Marine Corps, so he's not, doesn't live here. And he was home that weekend um for a baby shower, and Gavin had come uh for that baby shower. They they let him come. And I my heart was, and I didn't know why then, but my heart was so set on we are having family photos this weekend. And so I had a I had a girlfriend come and took these beautiful family photos. They are the last family photos that we have together.
SPEAKER_02:Wow.
SPEAKER_00:And he was very sad that day. He was very sad and very depressed, and he sat in the kitchen.
SPEAKER_01:We were while we were having this big baby shower, and he said, Mom, he said, I would never have this many people here to celebrate anything I was doing. Now, we know that that was a lie from Satan, that that, you know, was not true. Gavin had a a huge corner of people who loved him immensely and dearly. But this is the was the state of his mind. And so that Sunday, Brayden wanted to go, knew that he was sad. And so Braden said, I'm gonna go be with him. And Braden went and spent the day with him. And and Gavin was able to apologize about things that he had been holding on to and, you know, past situations. And he had had multiple conversations with people. It was in that step. I don't know exactly what step that is, but that's where he was.
SPEAKER_03:Making amends, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, he was. He was making his amends and he he had sent me a message and he said, Mom, just really pray for me because these next couple months are gonna be really hard because I have to, I have to face things that I've done, you know, to to people in certain situations. And so um he was he was there, he was doing really great. It was time for him to come out and could go into like a sober living situation or whatever that next situation would be. He had lived with my mom prior to and he was working, he had held on to a job, which is another thing, you know, a lot of times they deal with that.
SPEAKER_03:That's a huge phrase. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:He had held on and this company was amazing. They were so supportive of him being in recovery, even. They had had a couple people pretty high up that had also gone to recovery in their company. It was a concrete, concrete logistics company, and they were unbelievable in supporting him. And so he had been working and he had some friends there that were very supportive of his sobriety. And so we had a family meeting and along with my mom, and my mom agreed. She said, you know, he can come back and stay with me. He's doing great, he's, you know, being accountable, all those things. And so she helped him go get his stuff, and they came back to her house uh that night, and she sent me a picture of him, like laying down and like he's so happy he's here, kind of thing was her caption to me, her text with the picture. And um, so the next day it was a Friday, and he went to work and he was going to hang out with one of his friends from work who again supported him, knew his situation. And they were gonna play pickleball that weekend, and they were they were grabbing pizza and just just hanging out, just just hanging out. So that Friday evening, it was Friday, October 13th, and um uh I had texted him late afternoon and just said, How are you doing? How are you doing at your friend's house? And he didn't answer me back. And um, Alex and I had sat down to watch a movie, and it was we were about 10, 15 minutes into the movie, and his friend called me with a scream that I have never heard before. And um tried to get out, and all he could get out is, I'm trying to save your son. I'm trying to save him, I'm trying to save him. And his girlfriend was there, and his girlfriend was a nurse. And I was like, What is happening? What is happening? And he said, I don't know, he's taken something, he's not, and this is this is he's not speaking clearly, right? He's this is amidst tears and panic, and he's like, she's giving him, she's giving him CPR, and I'm like, call 911. He's like, I've called him, and they're not, they're not here yet, they're not here yet. And so without going into all the details for what felt like what felt like hours, it was probably just minutes of just absolute.
SPEAKER_00:I don't even know the words, you guys. I don't even I don't I don't think there's a word to describe that, right?
SPEAKER_02:It's just terror, you know, it's just such trauma, all of it wrapped into it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, there's there's just not a word to describe um that moment and that phone call.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you know, the phone call that um for quite a few years, uh during his addiction, um, I had a lot of moments of surrendering. And you know, as parents, we know that our children are gifts from God. And we'd like to say that we surrender them. Oh, we give our kids to you, oh, you have the best plans for them. But I don't, I don't think I was very good at that. I was kind of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I might say that, but at the same time, I'm gonna control what's happening over here. Like they're you know, they're mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they're mine. They're mine. But but through his addiction, though, I did have true moments. Um, I was kind of the one that stayed up. So I had many, many a night of being up till 3, 4 a.m., not knowing where he was, scared to death of getting the call.
SPEAKER_03:The phone call.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. The phone call. And I had to come to a place, God brought me to a place of that surrendering because so much of it was out of my control. I I couldn't, I couldn't control it anymore. You know, he was he was grown and he was gonna do what he was gonna do. And and so I had those. So I I think when you walk addiction along with someone, unfortunately, you have had to think about that phone call. Where other people have tragedies where they've never, you don't want to think that way. You, you know, you're you're in your car and you're like, that's right. And you're like, I never want to think about losing a child. Like, and so you just shut it off and move on to the next thing. Because Amy, you're right. You don't have a good reason to think that way. And I and I did, you know, I think a parent of an addict, you do because you know they're they're they're running the risk. Possibility. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:The possibility is there.
SPEAKER_02:Well, the possibility you're you're grieving twice, you know. You've had this grieving process all through this, the years of addiction and rehab and uh the highs and lows, and then you get the phone call, and now you have another another.
SPEAKER_01:That's so that is so right because in that grief during addiction, especially at the height of their addiction, you're grieving like what you thought their life would be that it may not be now. Like it this may look different, and you're grieving, you're grieving it because you see them hurting and you're grieving their heartache that you can't change. And now, in a moment, in a in a in a in a second, it's the grief of their life that will never be.
SPEAKER_03:Right. That's what I always say when Alec was in his addiction, I still had hope. There was still hope that we we would have a good life for the rest of our lives. But after that phone call, that hope, all hope was gone.
SPEAKER_04:That's so true, Amy.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I read one time that, you know, if if love could cure addiction, we'd have no addicts. Oh. And that's because that love and hope, you know, when when they've got a family that's holding so tightly, and how many times did we have to go in and swoop him up, basically, to swoop him out of a situation? But you're right, you still had hope of he's gonna turn this around, you know, this is this is gonna be this is gonna be different.
SPEAKER_03:And so, you know, I think too, I learned all and all hope was gone.
SPEAKER_01:All hope was gone, you know, and and understanding during that time too that addiction just doesn't discriminate. No, you know, I I thought, man, I I feel like we've done a good job of raising our kids. You know, sure we've made mistakes, but how did we get here? You know, that that was always the question of how did we get here? Um, and then yeah, so then that moment of so the days to for the your other two kids. Um, so Braden would have been 27 and Ava would have been uh nine 19. Okay. So was she still at home or was she so she that this was a other very oh just so Braden was in uh California and he was actually out in the field, so he wasn't even on base. So his wife, uh we had to call his wife, who thank God was with her parents when we made the phone call. She had to find someone that she knew Braden trusted and was his friend to go get him to tell him, and then he had to fly home that night to with with that. And then Ava, our daughter, was in school at Georgia Southern, and she was like out like with her friends, yeah. And I had to find a call a friend that I knew could like handle this, and she had to go get her from where she was and tell her and drive her home four and a half hours that night.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my gosh. Those are saviors, those were your saviors in that.
SPEAKER_01:Aren't they the angels? Yeah, yeah. And so in the moment, there were two best friends that I called immediately that had walked along in prayer with us for Gavin and knew Gavin personally, and then my mom were the first three. We went to my we actually went to my mom's house. We knew that couldn't be a phone call. And so we drove over. And you guys, you know, I I don't think about these moments very often, but the grief and that in that in those moments were such a physical pain that I like Alex had to stop so I could throw up on the side of the road, like on the way to my mom several times. Like it was it was manifesting trauma.
SPEAKER_03:I think that's just trauma. Yeah, that is trauma right there.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, just manifesting so physically, right? And and so the days to come um are definitely a blur. They're you know, I I think maybe that's probably very con that would be a common thing for all of us, is just um, I can't go back and recount a lot of the things that happened. Um, but what I can recount is that um the first the first couple nights I took something in order to to sleep. And um, but I can recount the moments where the first about the first two days I physically couldn't get out of my bed. And so I would have friend after friend after friend come. And at one point I remember having five, six people in my bed with me. Just it was like this blanket of people. Um, our home filled with I mean, we are a home that we have a lot of gatherings and we love to have people here, and we we just love our friendships, and we had people by the groves showing up, you know, just showing up. And I would be upstairs when I needed to be sleeping or just being, and I could hear laughter and I could hear conversations and I could hear those things happening downstairs in our home. And I would have thought, if I thought about this, I would have thought, oh, that I wouldn't like that. Like that would be hurtful to hear that. But it was so comforting to hear it and to hear all the people. And so after about the first two nights, I didn't want to continue taking medication. And so all I could do was start to quote Psalms 23. It was like, you know, it was that it was the scripture that, you know, I memorized as a kid, but all of a sudden it had this, it it came alive in such a different way, you know. The Lord is my shepherd, I have what I need. He lays me down in green pastures, leaves me beside this the quiet waters. He renews my life, he leads me along the right path. Even when I go to the darkest valley, the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. And I kept getting stuck in those lines. And I thought, oh my gosh, that's where we are. We are in the darkest valley we will ever, we will ever be in. But you are my rod and my staff, and you will comfort me. And I started making it personal in that way as I would say that scripture and it would put me to sleep. And then, so then over the days to come when I needed something, I would say that. I would just, that was just what was on repeat in my head. It was the only thing I could seem to remember, right? I couldn't remember anything else.
SPEAKER_03:I can't remember your name, but you couldn't recite some.
SPEAKER_01:And I know it's like so wild to me. And and and I remember and I was just there and it was such a blur, but there was a specific night that as I was laying in bed, I had said to my mom in the beginning, I said, Where is God? Like I don't feel him at all. Like I think I feel completely abandoned by him. You know, I I felt like that in this, in these, the six years of hell that we've already walked through, and now he chooses, I don't feel his presence. And I and I was angry. I was like, Where is he? And I didn't feel him. I truly did not feel him. I felt so alone in in this depth of this emotion that you I I you can't even describe, you know?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And so I I went to bed one night. And I heard him almost audibly say to me, Nicole, I answered your prayers.
SPEAKER_05:I answered your prayers and I have healed him.
SPEAKER_00:He is completely healed and he will never feel pain again. And as hard as that was to hear, it was in that moment that the anger was removed from me. And I thought, You're right.
SPEAKER_01:Now I just have to deal with my pain, but I don't have to have the pain of his pain, which was so much harder. You know, let me have all the pain, right? And his pain. Yeah, you know, and so I just it was in that moment that was the first glimpse of the peace that truly surpasses our understanding. Like, how in the world could I have any sense of peace in this moment? And I did.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And I did.
SPEAKER_03:And so we are two. So here we are, two years out. Do you still recite Psalms 23?
SPEAKER_01:I do. And let me tell you a really cool thing is that in my current Bible study, we are studying Psalms for an entire year.
SPEAKER_04:Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01:Right now. And so, you know, David's words are jumping off the page for me here in here in year two of this. And uh one of them is Psalms 910 that says, Those who know your name trust in you because you have not abandoned those who seek the Lord. And that's another one that I've really um written and and quote in those moments and days that are that are just almost unbearable. Um, is that he he hasn't abandoned us and he won't. Um so yeah, the I scripture has really been um it's come alive in a very different way for me in these last years. A lot of us say that year two was harder than year one. I would agree with that. Oh year one was a lot of first. Um, so Gavin passed away October 13th. Um December we had we had holidays, Thanksgiving is our big holiday for our family. Um it was it was also the only the second time that our oldest son was able to come home and be with the family. So he was able to grieve here during his service, then had to go back, go back to duty, and then was able to come. But having our family here and that Thanksgiving, uh, we all wore a seven love shirt, and um we talked about him and we told stories and we cried a lot. I mean, it was just a cry fest, but we cried together and that felt so much better.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, for sure.
SPEAKER_01:Um and we I started a new tradition. I had someone share with me who had lost her brother, and it's uh you have a certain amount of candles on the table for Thanksgiving and you light it for different purposes for your person. Um, and so we started that tradition, and that's been a really special tradition that we started. And then we had Christmas while I also was having the birth of my very first grandson on December 18th. And I have always wanted grandbabies. It's like as soon as my kids got to be teenagers, I'm like, oh, not yet, but I can't wait to have grandbabies, right? I can't wait to have a baby around again. And um I didn't have those emotions. It that it was it was so clouded and it was such a we had to travel to California and we felt an we felt so incredibly blessed, but our hearts really were capable of feeling.
SPEAKER_03:So, what did that second year look like with you know, missing your son and the joy of a new grandbaby? And how how did how did that joy and sorrow coexist in the second year for you?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you know, you're you're told, I think pretty early on, probably most of us have had someone say to us, the second year, subsequent years can be harder because the reality is setting in. That first year is all those firsts that you push through and and get through. And then the second is, oh, this is what it's gonna feel like for forever. That like this, this is permanent. And so um, God was very gracious to us, giving us um our first grandbaby and then our second grandbaby 15 months later. And, you know, of course, just having those babies have has brought so much joy to us and just the the innocence of that childhood again. You know, you forget as your kids get older what that feels like. And that's been such a gift, but it's it's also a challenge because you had again, it's releasing the vision that you had for your life. And so we always said Gavin was going to be the best uncle, the fun uncle, right? Because he was fun and adventurous and just the best sense of humor. He'd be goofy with them, and he was so childlike, anyways. And so that that was hard. That was hard of all those moments, and still is very hard today to um miss him in in those in those moments. And so I have discovered that joy and sorrow does coexist, it doesn't make one uh lesser or greater than the other, they're just weirdly there at the same time, which absolutely very hard to describe, right? Uh to others.
SPEAKER_03:Weirdly there. That's the way it is. That's the description. It's just weirdly apparent. That's sad and happy. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. Um, when you think about, you know, we did we had this retreat this fall, and you got to meet these other warrior moms, and you know, you're um you're, you know, moving out of those first couple years. When you look back at just um, you know, what what you've survived, um, what what's some of the advice that you might have for grieving moms um that are really new to to this terrible loss?
SPEAKER_01:You know, I I like to spend some time reflecting um on the past, and that's not to have, you know, regret or or to feel that it's so that I can look at it and say, how am I proud of myself in this moment? You know, because you sometimes don't realize it in the moment when you're doing that really hard thing, and maybe it's for yourself or maybe it's because you're you're doing it for your kids or your husband. But I think it's important for us to look back and evaluate the things that we do. And some of the things that that I realized that I did that I didn't really realize in the moment were coping skills, right? Were way uh a way of coping. But um, you know, I I got back to I got back to moving. And for me, that might have been much like Amy, I love to garden and being outside is just my absolute happy place. I love to plant flowers and and I would just go out and piddle. I wasn't even really truly gardening, you know, I was just but getting out there and then realizing how much joy that gave me to be in nature and and to get my hands dirty. Um, I got back to my Bible study and my devotion. And actually going to my Bible study every Thursday was very, very hard. I don't know if it's because it was a time where I had to sit still and it it was like things would set in for me. Um, for example, one of the hardest moments to date that I've had is it was the beginning of Bible study. And so I had not even thought about this happening, but we went in and we're sitting in a semicircle, and it's time for introductions. Yeah. And I was gonna be at the end of that, end of that semicircle. And every how do you start an introduction? My name is I have so many kids, and I could feel it, guys. I think it's the first time I've ever felt like a true anxiety attack. And it just was overwhelming. I had to dismiss myself from the room and thank goodness I was just surrounded by such loving people, but it was very, very difficult, very hard. But I knew it was what I needed, and so I just kept going. And each week I would cry and I thought that's okay. You know, it's it's okay. It's okay if you need to cry. Um, I would make myself say yes. We talked about this a lot at the Warrior Mom's retreat, and I and I thought it was so good because I had not really recognized that as something that I had done well in the depth of grief, but I would say yes. And I when I did not feel like it, but I knew that those were good people for me to be around and it would be encouraging and uplifting. Um, you know, while finding the balance, you know, you can say yes too much as well. But yeah, I tried to, you know, that you could be the yes girl too, and then just crash, crash out. Um, so I tried to find a balance in that. Um, talking about Gavin, very often is it uncomfortable for other people to talk about Gavin. And as we all have talked about, that's all we want is for people to say their name and to ask us about them and to ask a memory. Some of the sweetest comments I would get on posts that I would feel led to post were when people would ask me about Gavin and about the characteristics of Gavin. And that felt so good to share that. So I would talk about him. Um, you know, I the biggest thing that I realized now, a little over two years into this journey, is that God has never left me. He has truly been by my side through every moment. Some days I felt that stronger, and some days I didn't feel it at all. But hindsight, I can look back and know that he was there. I also see that he was preparing me for this. There was preparation in my life for this. And um, you know, through that preparation, I've been able to find the strength. And so I want, I would encourage a new mom that to um find, even if it's one person that you feel like can understand what you're going through and that you can you can talk about your child and um you know, kind of release it. We we just, you know, I I feel like in our society it's kind of this thing, it's like, oh, mourn for a couple of days, but then get back to your life. Get back to work, get back to I mean, in biblical times they mourn for weeks. I mean, weeks. And we just so often push ourselves to just go back to the norm when nothing is normal. And you know, so find some sort of support system, some sort of um uh uh strength. Be intentional in that. Maybe if you hear my words and you know, if you're finding yourself down and you're feeling so alone, because you don't have to feel alone, um, try to find another warrior mom, you know, to to connect to, someone that can truly understand. Um, and and try to get back to doing, slowly get back to doing the things that prior to brought you joy. Those things may change, I think, as you get further in your journey, but you know that those things bring you joy, whatever that looks like, you know. Um, but but try to find the strength each day to do one little thing. And before you know it, I think you'll look at yourself in the mirror and realize how far you've come.
SPEAKER_03:But it will take a while.
SPEAKER_01:Takes a while.
SPEAKER_03:It's not two weeks in or a year in. It's and are we even little steps every day.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. You get stronger every day, and and stronger also doesn't mean it feels better or it's got, you know, it doesn't mean that it just means that your ability to get through a day, maybe for, you know, I think for most of us in the beginning, it's the ability just to get through the day without being a basket case, you know, it might look like that, or it's gonna look different for everybody, but um you will be okay.
SPEAKER_03:I love how you just said that being stronger doesn't mean better. Like I haven't heard it said like that, but it's true. Like, yes, you're stronger, but it's still not better. It'll never be better that you can be better than you were yesterday.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:God knew for all of us when this was a a design for our life and that cannot make sense, and that's okay. I've just settled on the fact that there's a lot of things that are not gonna make sense um until I'm face to face with him. But he also knew that you are capable of carrying this, and that stinks. That stinks to have to be that person, right? But you can. And I just think I had a couple people speak that into me in the beginning and in one way, shape, or form of you can do this and you're going to do this, and I needed that. I needed that reassurance that um I I was I was gonna be okay. I I was gonna be okay. It looked different, my okay looks different, but we're gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_03:I love that. Nicole, you're so strong. You are, and I know we all hear it all the time, but I mean, it is a certain strength and just your vulnerability to talk and speak into the world, these thoughts and feelings, and just true life, real life, real experiences, and that's it's huge that you can do that so beautifully. Because there are other mamas out there that have walked in your shoes and need that, need to know that they will get stronger. Yeah, thank you, Amy. Thank you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, absolutely. This um this conversation has just been like Amy said, you were vulnerable, you you know, you cried, you told us funny stories, um, and all just in honor of Gavin, and and we're grateful that we get to know him a little bit better through you. Um, and we want to honor, of course, all of our children. But thank you for being here with us. Um, I know your gift will help others for sure. Yes. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01:Michelle, can I wrap up by saying that another thing that we did is we kind of really wanted to turn our pain into purpose? And I had mentioned that Gavin created the seven love t-shirts and things in high school. And so that was kind of a no-brainer for us. And so we've now been able to start a foundation, the Seven Love Foundation, and our entire prayer and purpose is to support families of those that have loved ones that are battling addiction. Um, there and and whether that looks like supporting the actual loved one. But we found that there were things for the the person, you know, there are lots of recoveries and things like rehabs and things, but the family was just kind of left to just kind of wallow in this in all this stuff. Right. And so our really that's our mission. And so um, you know, it had that's been healing as well, is to find something that we could pour into in order to hopefully and prayerfully make a difference in other people's lives too, through his, through what we walk through.
SPEAKER_02:And where can our listeners find more out about Seven Love Foundation?
SPEAKER_01:Um, right now we have an Instagram page. It's just it's at Seven Love Foundation. And so you can you can find us there.
SPEAKER_03:Is it the number seven or is it spelled out?
SPEAKER_01:Good question. The number seven. Yes, good question, Amy.
SPEAKER_03:Seven love the English teacher, Michelle.
SPEAKER_02:It's not a good question, though. Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, love yeah.
SPEAKER_02:So the number seven love. Seven love. Well, thank you for being here again, and thank you, listeners, for um checking in with us again. Um, and you can find um more information about warrior moms and what we're doing out in our community. You can reach out to us on um warriormoms.me um if you wanna, if you have a podcast idea, if you'd like to be on the podcast, um what else, Amy, is on there.
SPEAKER_03:Um, and just to get to know any of our warrior moms, and like you said, all the links to the podcast. It's I don't know, it's full of stuff. Yeah, it is, it's full of stuff. So but we're grateful for each and every one of you.
SPEAKER_02:All right, well, till next time, Amy. Yep, bye bye.
SPEAKER_03:Bye.
.jpg)