How Shared Stories Turn Grief Into Strength -- The WM Retreat's Purple Table Reflects

You can feel the moment the room exhales: someone asks a mother her child’s name, and everyone leans in to listen. That’s the heart of this conversation with the Purple Table—women who arrived at a grief retreat braced for tears and left with something larger than sorrow: connection, language, and practices they could carry home.

We talk candidly about the fear of showing up, the second-guessing in the car, and the relief of being with people who understand without explanation. A veteran Warrior Mom table leader Robyn shares how modeling joy years after loss can offer real hope to moms still in the raw months. Newer mothers describe the thaw of finally telling their children’s stories in full. The group unpacks the Monday and week after the retreat—emotional hangovers, quiet peace, and the surprising power of purpose—like one mom, Jolyn, who launched a local support circle where five women stayed talking for hours. It’s grief, but it’s also momentum.

Holidays raise the stakes, so we dig into simple, repeatable rituals: a place setting with notes for the missing child, luminaries with photos, memory trees filled with donated ornaments, and the right to take a break mid-tradition and return when you can breathe again. We sit with hard truths—families don’t always know how to help—and offer clear permission: there are no rules. Do what helps. Ask for what you need. Keep some traditions for surviving kids who crave stability, or build new ones that make space for tears and gratitude to coexist.

By the end, you’ll hear a shared credo: turn pain into purpose when you can, rest when you can’t, and let community carry what’s too heavy for one set of hands. If you’re navigating child loss—or love someone who is—this conversation offers practical tools, warm company, and proof that being “a badass” in grief can simply mean showing up for yourself and each other. If this resonates, share it with a friend, subscribe for more real talk, and leave a review so other grieving parents can find us.

"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton

Chapters

• 0:22 Welcome And Purpose Of Gathering
• 1:27 Robin’s Story And Leading The Purple Table
• 4:36 First Arrivals: Fear, Nerves, And Showing Up
• 6:23 Feeling Seen: Speaking Their Children’s Names
• 11:10 Beyond Tears: Connection, Smiles, And Hope
• 16:47 The Monday After: Processing And Purpose
• 22:07 Holidays: Grief, Traditions, And New Rituals
• 30:17 Turning Pain Into Purpose And Local Groups
• 34:57 Gratitude Round: What We’re Carrying Forward
• 1:00:07 Closing Thanks And Next Steps

Transcript

SPEAKER_07: 0:15

Hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms. I am Michelle Davis. And I am Amy Durham. And we are so grateful to have a whole group of women here today with us, Michelle. No. We um met them all at the retreat that we had about a month ago, I guess. And I'm just so grateful that they chose to be on here with us today. Um and just share a little bit about um what the what the retreat was like, what it's like to connect with other women that are in the same storm. Might have different boats, might be further away from shore, but we're all in the same, we're all in this shitty storm all together, that is. First and foremost, we're gonna have Robin No, who is we all know, um Robin No Willis, I'm sorry, who is one of our original moms, and she was actually the uh table lead of the purple table at the retreat. So Robin, I want to turn it over to you for a little bit.

SPEAKER_04: 1:19

Alrighty. Um, like she said, I'm Robin No Willis, uh, and I lost my children, Sean and Morgan, in a tragic house fire on October 5th, 2019. Um, I am chapter one of our book, uh Grieve Like a Mother, Survive Like a Warrior. So they always like to put me in this first start, no pressure kind of situation.

SPEAKER_07: 1:44

Yeah, you're you're good at under pressure, aren't you? I love it.

SPEAKER_04: 1:47

Y'all, y'all sure make me be. Um so yeah, I was the table leader for our purple table and got to know all these women. And some of these women even housed with me. So I got to know some of them even a little more than just sitting at the table with them. Um it started with getting their emails and saying, hey, introduce yourself. So that's where we started. And now we have a text thread and we don't text every day, but we check on each other pretty regularly. And it's pretty amazing that we found a connection that none of us want to have, but that we all know, understand each other.

SPEAKER_07: 2:27

How was it, Robin, for you? Like, okay, there's how many were at your table?

SPEAKER_04: 2:33

Um I was supposed to have eight. We ended up having seven.

SPEAKER_07: 2:37

Okay. So seven in addition to you. And how was it? You they were all strangers.

unknown: 2:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 2:43

Did that feel like well, not everybody was a stranger. I knew Rebecca on Facebook, but I had never met Rebecca in person. But everybody else, yes, it was it was the first time seeing any of their faces, but it was the first time even talking to the majority of them. So it was definitely nerve-wracking. Um, I know where I try to be in my own grief, but knowing how to be there for other people is really hard sometimes because you I don't want to say you're gonna say anything wrong because I mean, we all know what yeah, you you just we all understand it.

SPEAKER_07: 3:22

Even walking in this boat, you still worry about saying the wrong thing.

SPEAKER_04: 3:27

Yeah. And so, you know, just wanting to be there for them and helping them the best way that I knew how and let this retreat just touch their heart and let them feel the impact of everything. Um definitely took some praying and some prayers to make sure that I felt like I was in the right spot to do that. But I'm I I hope that I did a good job and that we all did a good job and they left feeling better than when they walked through the door.

SPEAKER_05: 3:51

So absolutely. And that was, you know, when Amy and I were sitting down and planning this, that was such, you know, an integral part of the retreat was, you know, yes, we would have speakers, yes, we would have activities and things, but um, the war your moms being at each table was just going to be incredibly key, I think. And so let's start with um you, Tesley, and um what was your experience? So just walk us through walking up to the barn, walking into that first place, just how did it feel for you?

SPEAKER_01: 4:29

So I think one of the things that I just I remember about I didn't want to leave my house to even go there because it just wasn't a place that I wanted to be. I know that sounds bad, but it's like you know, you just don't want to be a part of this this club. Um so walking in, I was very nervous. Um, but I met you guys, I met Amy first, and she was such a light to me. Um, and then I met Robin, and it was really good for me. I feel like even though it's been five years since I lost my son, um I haven't really dealt with the grief. I haven't really sat in it, um, and that's a really long time to just not. But I know my mom, I have a I have a son who was like a year and a half at the time, and she's like, You have to stop crying for your son. You have to be a mom. So it was like from that day until this retreat, I realized that I had put all of my feelings kind of down, just pushed it down, and just not really sat and dealt with it. So this retreat was very heavy, very overwhelming. It was almost like I was just reliving it in the very beginning. Um, so it was really heavy, but it was much needed. I feel so much better now that I've realized what I need to do.

SPEAKER_05: 6:00

Jolynn, where do you where do you range on um what Chesley said? Like, does that resonate? Do you um did you have similar feelings, different ones?

SPEAKER_07: 6:12

How many times did you turn around and go back home? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 6:17

Um, okay, so um I lost my rose on December uh 21st of 2024. That's not even been a year yet. Um, and I had heard your guys' podcast, and it really, really helped. Um, and then I heard about the retreat. And for me, it was about a six-hour drive coming from Kentucky, and I was really excited to go. And then once I got my stuff packed up and in the car, I was like, I don't think I can do this. I shouldn't leave my family. And my husband, he's like, No, you have to go. He's like, You need to go. So I got in the car and I drove in the whole way. I was really nervous and I was like, I don't know anybody, I don't know where I'm going. Um, I got there late, everybody was already kind of doing their thing. Um it was very nerve-wracking, but I needed it so much. Um I felt seen, I felt understood, I felt heard. Nobody asked me about Rose here at Thanksgiving. We didn't even have an empty chair for her. But I got to talk about her all weekend. Yeah. And it did, it made me feel better, it made me want to help people. Um, and I brought back what you guys have said um and tried to help people here, and honestly, it makes me feel better. Like I'm still sad and I'm still heartbroken, and everything still sucks. But like I do feel like when I'm taking what I learned at the retreat um and feeling the togetherness with all of you, that bringing it back here and doing that for some of the same, the some of some of the women I know here, it does, it does help and it makes me feel better.

SPEAKER_07: 8:03

And you had your very first meeting in Kentucky uh two weeks ago. Yes.

SPEAKER_02: 8:10

Two or three. Um I had five women show up. Um it was only supposed to last about an hour. Um, I think it was 8:30. Uh we started at 5:30 and it was 8:30 when everybody was like, oh, I should go. Um of course it was sad. Um, but what something Amy had told me before uh when I spoke to her on the phone, she's like, if you keep it positive and talk about the good things, it'll stay that way. But if you go sad, it's gonna stay sad. Um, so I tried to keep it positive. Um, and I think everybody really liked it. Now me and those women have a text thread and we check up on each other, and then we have our next meeting uh in two weeks from now.

SPEAKER_05: 8:55

That is so wow. I like that is absolutely incredible. Good job. I know that had to be hard in and of itself. Um, so Lindsay, let's let's think about um the role I think that um Robin played in helping. And you certainly can add on to how you felt as well coming in. Um and then let's move into talking about just how that was helpful to have someone who's walked this path at your table.

SPEAKER_00: 9:32

Just like the other ladies, I did not want to come. Um, I think I did not pack until 15 minutes before I was supposed to walk out the door. Um, I don't my drive's not that far. I was only about 30 minutes away. Um, but the whole way there, I just wanted to turn around and come back home. Um very new. So my son passed on January 20th of 2025. So Robin was the best person that could have been at our table for me. Um because I hear about people's kids that have passed, and no offense to anyone. Um, but a lot of times they're older than 12. 12's a hard age, middle school. I'd give anything to have had high school. So meeting her and having two children that were younger than my child. It was it she was perfect. Um she was very joyful, which gave me hope that I'll get there. Um and now I'm losing my train of thought.

SPEAKER_05: 10:42

It's all good. Um well, and just I think, you know, thinking about having somebody who's been on this road, you know, you said it so perfectly that it helped one, having Robin who had two children but that could share in her grief of that, and then having a child that was young like your child. I think that's so beneficial to find other people. Like, yes, we've all lost children, um, but having an extra connection, I think, is so important. Um, Rebecca, thinking about that, we had affinity groups where you know you have your table group, and I'd love to hear from you how um your thoughts about walking in and the table, but then also thinking about um, you know, meeting with groups of people like just what Lindsay said, who are similar um either in age of your child or in um circumstance.

SPEAKER_06: 11:48

So, like the previous ladies, I um I delayed, I procrastinated, I didn't want to come. Um, I wanted to meet Robin because Robin and I had kind of been um chatting back and forth, but as far as actually coming somewhere and talking to a bunch of women who are gonna be grieving, I was not comfortable with that. Um I wasn't sure how it was gonna be. And in my mind, it was worst case scenarios and a lot of um crying, and I I cry every day, but I just didn't want to cry. I didn't I didn't want to cry anymore. I I wanted to have a moment, um, but I was like everything said I had to go, everybody said I had to go, and so I procrastinated, but I was I was late, um, very late, and um walked in and everybody was kind of in PJs and comfortable, and they were very welcoming, and it was a relaxing atmosphere, and they again they they asked me about my Emily, and that was where it was like a little bit of a thaw um from my heart um to be able to you know talk about her because you know there aren't a lot of people that that ask, or if they do ask, they're really not uh they're listening, but they're not. Um they don't want to hear it because it hurts, it's painful for them. And and I get that, but like I have a need, I have a desire, I have a want to talk about her, and so that um it was nice to have all those women that were interested and asking the questions and wanting to know about her, and so that was that was really nice. And then walking in um to the barn, it was a beautiful place, absolutely stunning. Um, and it I'm not a woman that's very intimidated by things, but I was kind of intimidated by a big crowd of women being there, and we're all about to go through this journey yet again, um, in a way together. Can you hear but um open-minded, walked in, and you know, they you guys started talking and we split into those groups, and it was relieving um because I again like others have said, felt seen, felt heard, felt understood, felt like a blanket of women there that although we're not walking in that exact woman's shoes, I can look at her and she can look at me, and we have this moment of the of I see you. This is hard, and I see you, and I see past your pain, and I see past the hurt, I I genuinely see who you are as a mother, as a person, as your grief, and it was just it was more than I thought it would be.

SPEAKER_07: 15:28

I love that it's more as in more emotional or just more more better, yeah.

SPEAKER_06: 15:39

Like better, more emotional or more just overall goodness, overall goodness, because even though we all were grieving at the same time, even though we all had tears in our eyes and we are suffering through the suck of it, we were together, and it wasn't a win a room full of women just crying all the time.

SPEAKER_07: 16:05

No, it's just kind of what you think when you think about oh when we go to a bunch of women that have lost their children, oh everybody's just gonna be crying the whole time, and I think that's what it's like.

SPEAKER_06: 16:13

But we were also smiling because we were talking about our children as if they were still there with us, and yeah, we had to talk about the bad parts of it, but we were also talking about the good parts of them, and I got to learn about some of the best parts of these ladies' children, and I would have loved to have met them, and I would have loved to have been friends before this, and I'm glad that I get to be friends after.

SPEAKER_07: 16:44

Yes, Susie. I'm gonna put this question on to you now. What did you think about the table and the retreat and the just say what's on your heart?

SPEAKER_03: 16:57

Well, um, I didn't want to come either, and I live in Dayton, Ohio, so I flew. So I had a lot of time to contemplate everything as I'm traveling and sitting in an airport and sitting on the plane, and then someone there that was coming to the retreat picked me up at the airport, and so we had a chance. I had not met this person in person, so I had the ability to um develop a unique friendship on the way there um from the airport, and when I walked in the barn and met Robin, um I couldn't really speak, and Robin just warmly um assured me it was gonna be okay and was just very, very kind and and then shared her story. So we just had this time, just the two of us talking before uh we got to sit down and get to know everybody. And um there was a lot of things that I'll I'll probably never forget about that weekend, and there were things that were surprises that were really hard that I felt like I was swallowing extra hard. Um walking outside that Friday night and seeing the luminaries, I had no idea what the pictures were gonna be for, and I kept stalling when they kept sending me emails to send a picture, send a picture, and I didn't want to do it. I I just didn't want to send that picture. And and then when I saw um the luminaries, um, the lady that picked me up at the airport, her son's luminary was right beside mine. And I there was no one that would have known to do that. So that was a little hug um that I felt like that I had. And so um there was lots of things, you know, throughout the weekend that were really difficult, you know, hearing all the stories, but then there was moments that I felt were a little lighter and a little softer, and you know, the breakup of putting a plant in a pot and um a hayride and those kinds of things, and then all the sweet touches, the takeaways, you know, the picture of everyone. I've shared that with other people because when you look at 65 women um all together, that's pretty astonishing of all those moms coming together for that very reason. And I don't think I I mean uh yet mine's just a little over a year. It was November 8th of 2024 for me, and so to be together with that amount of ladies that are hurting from child loss was just incredible in in a a sad way, but yes, uh also a comforting way to be able to connect with one another.

SPEAKER_05: 19:53

Absolutely. Um I my um connection kicked me off.

SPEAKER_07: 19:59

So, Amy, tell me where we are in our We are, yeah, we just so yeah, so we just finished talking about all of the tables. Um you know, just the table time. Yeah. So you know, and everybody kind of has the same consensus that yes, I I wanted to go, but I didn't really want to go. You know, because I know that most of you uh I I know that um I know you all wanted to be there, but you part of you wanted to be there, but you didn't want to go there. Does that make sense? Like you don't want to go just like everywhere for me, especially the last what six years after I've lost Alec, which he's only been gone six and a half years, but it I don't want to go, but I want to be there, or I don't want to be there, but I don't want to go. Does that make sense? Yeah, for sure. Committing to it, but once you're there, you're it is it's it's rewarding in itself. So um I think that's good.

SPEAKER_04: 21:00

I still go through that with our warrior mom's get togethers, and I always want to see all your faces and I always want to hug all your necks, but because I am an hour away from most of our gatherings, I I still go through the uh I don't want to put forth the effort to go sometimes. But then but then I'm there and I'm like, I'm so stupid. Why did I not just why did I find myself on this? Like this is what I needed. And I mean, like you said, yeah. So even over six years later, I mean we still still do that. So still do it, and I still need it.

SPEAKER_07: 21:32

So whether we want to admit it or not, right?

SPEAKER_05: 21:37

Yeah, I uh it just and it hits us in so many different ways. And um, you know, I'm almost 10 years out, and I just three weeks ago, you know, was after the retreat, and um a lot of the book signings were done. Um, and Amy and I could have just kind of a big, you know, space to get back to our lives after the book being um done editing. Um, but having that space all of a sudden was really, really hard for me. I mean, I crashed so hard for three weeks. Um I I mean I slept more than I've slept since probably year four. Um, and then we had a Warrior Bombs night, and I thought, oh my gosh, I just I can't I can't go. And then like Robin, I just found like y'all did, you know, you you put one foot in front of the other, and somehow you know within you you need to be there to see other faces and just you know, I didn't say anything. I didn't tell anyone I was sad over the last three weeks. Um, but just standing next to each other, there's just such strength in each of you when I look at your faces tonight. I mean, and hear your voices. Um, just the love that we carry for our kids and the missing um takes just a strength that is is almost supernatural, not human.

SPEAKER_07: 23:10

I have another question. Okay, so we went through this, I'm just gonna call it a wonderful weekend. I mean, there was there was things happened in that barn that no one can explain. Jesus was there in the midst of all of it, and I I I felt all, I mean, you can't explain what happened in that barn, at least for my end, what I saw and what I witnessed and what I felt. It was like Rebecca said, everything and more than what I ever imagined it could be. And I know Michelle feels the same way, but okay, so y'all go home and on Monday. What happened on Monday? How did Monday feel versus the Monday before that? Susie, I'm gonna start with you.

SPEAKER_03: 23:50

Well, I was exhausted and it took me days honestly to process everything and just to kind of reflect and work through some of that. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to tell other people about the experience and I wanted to share, and that's just my way of processing and moving forward. And when you find someone, as we've all learned, you know, there's listening and then there's listening. And when you can find someone that's willing to really listen and understand or care to understand, then uh that feels like a safe place to be able to share. So it was just a lot of thinking and emotional kind of decompressing just from the stories. I think for me, sitting in the affinity group groups, um, there were some similar stories from group one to group two, an overlap of things. And that was a lot to take on. Um that you know, secondary um compassion that we all have for one another. You know, they were large groups and just one right after the other. It was just a lot to to think through, and you feel hurt for everyone else as well.

SPEAKER_07: 25:08

Yeah. Rebecca, what about you? How did this the the Monday after the retreat? What or the week after? How did you feel? What are the thoughts? I think she's frozen. I think she's frozen. Lindsay, how about you? I'm gonna skip to you.

SPEAKER_00: 25:31

Uh I was also extremely exhausted. Um well, I feel like we're exhausted all the time, but when you have a big weekend like that of talking, expressing, listening, it's a lot. Um, I have a really good support group, um, close friends and that wanted to know all about it and let me just sit and talk about everything we did, how I felt, if it was good, if I'd go back, if I'd recommend it to someone, and all the answers are yes, yes, and yes. Um so it was it was nice to have some a group to come back to to continue on the conversations of what we did there. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_07: 26:14

Yeah, I love that. I love that. Jolyn?

SPEAKER_02: 26:20

Um honestly, when I got back, I felt, I know everybody's saying they were really tired. Um I I had that six-hour drive back and time to think about stuff, and I kind of felt rejuvenated. Um there was an accident that had happened in about an hour from us where three um teenagers passed away in a car accident. And all I could think about was helping those mothers. Um I did email the funeral home letters and let the funeral home know, like, hey, can you put this in their bag? Just saying that I was having a meeting with my information. I never heard from them. And to think about it, like me being in that spot, would I even look at the letter? Probably not. I don't know. I just felt like I wanted to help somebody. Um and then that's what made me realize that I wanted to start having these meetings. Um because it does, it's like when I'm helping somebody, it makes me it does make me feel better. It helps you too. It does.

SPEAKER_07: 27:19

Um meet each other.

SPEAKER_02: 27:21

And I would say for that week after I actually felt a lot better. Um, you know, it only lasted about a week, which is unfortunate. Um, but I I think I did feel a lot better uh after coming back from the retreat.

SPEAKER_07: 27:37

Good Chesley, Chesley. Hey Demi, thank you for joining us. Sorry I was late. It is it is a okay. It is a-okay so we're just kind of talking about the retreat and what um the first like right now we're kind of talking about when you got when you got home after the retreat the next week. How how did the retreat help you go into the next week or not?

SPEAKER_09: 28:08

Oh okay, um, yes, it definitely helped, but I've I feel like I came home like I was I felt like I was had left a a dream or something, like I was had to wake up because it was just so peaceful and I mean I just couldn't wait to get there every day. I d and it I just I didn't really I can't say I felt lonely, but I didn't, you know, everyone was asking me about it, and of course I told, you know, plenty of people about it, but I didn't really feel like I wanted to go really deep talking about it with anybody because I felt like I had just been with, you know, a hundred people that understood and I was, you know, I was good. Um and it like you know, you all said it did not last too long, but it's still very much with me and a part of me now. And it was honestly the most amazing thing I've done in five years, really, really and truly. And I know you all may think it was simple and it was just you know getting together and you know, talking and eating and doing a little craft, and I still have my plant, it's alive. Um, but it was so much more. It was just it was it was just ever it was nothing like what I expected. Like everyone else, I almost didn't come.

SPEAKER_07: 29:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09: 29:31

You know?

SPEAKER_07: 29:32

Yeah. Well, I'm glad that you all did. I know that I had to skip you a minute ago because I I think you had gone something was happening.

SPEAKER_01: 29:40

So do you want to answer the I think I was um I did my microphone and I forgot to put it back on. I love it, I love it, I love it. So um Monday for me was really heavy. I had to go to work at like normal. Um, and I was just really I didn't want to go to work, but I did, and I'm glad I did. I work at a children's hospital in Atlanta, so um, I think getting back to my purpose, um, taking care of babies that you know. where I lost my son when he was right right after he was born. So I think I needed to be where I needed to be. I ended up leaving early on Tuesday. They my team was like, you need to go, you know, give yourself because I was just it was just it was all real and just very overwhelming. So um but being at work really really helps me. Oh that's good.

SPEAKER_08: 30:44

That's great.

SPEAKER_05: 30:47

And Rebecca I think you're back with us.

SPEAKER_06: 30:50

Yay I am sorry about that. I lost nervous there for a second. And then it went SOS on me.

SPEAKER_05: 30:58

Well I did too my my computer kicked me out it's just how it happens.

SPEAKER_06: 31:04

Yeah so Amy's just asking what was that next week like for you it just felt very sacred um sharing those moments with those ladies and I I felt a sense of peace coming out of there and and like I said understanding and being seen and being felt and being heard um that that you don't get from your friends and family because even though they understand they don't um as much as they try they don't um so it was um I didn't talk a lot about it to other people um but I felt I felt very peaceful about that weekend in in a way that I haven't in a while. So it was it was surreal. It was very surreal and I took some time after everybody had left the barn and just went and sat in in the swing because there was that cold swing in the barn and just kind of sat there for a little bit and just had a moment with my with my Emily luminary and just um took some time to really take it in over what I had experienced over that weekend and and the women and thinking about them and praying for them. And it was just it was a really good moment for me.

SPEAKER_05: 32:53

I love that you took that space Rebecca that is something I think that all of us could be reminded of I know um you know we we talk about that where we often we like I know at least for myself I just stay busy busy busy um and stay busier than anybody I know but that's so important I think is to to do exactly what you just did is just sit with Emily you know just have that time and space and think about these new friends that we have um and I I just think that's beautiful. I love that um so we just went through one of the holidays of the season y'all um thinking about the retreat and Robin your warrior mom leader um your new friends that you made um what are some things that have carried you I mean we know it's painful it's awful um has there been anything that's that you've learned in the last little bit that have helped you through the some of these heavy days do you have can you hear me there you are there we go yes okay it just it just reconnected me it had uh it logged me out so I didn't hear the question oh Michelle just when you think about going through you know one of the first holidays here at Thanksgiving and after the retreat um you know were there was there anything that you learned from there that's helped carry you or things that um you know that you longed for that we had within that space um just just walk us through how this Thanksgiving season was for you well for me um like many of you you guys had Thanksgiving with your kids before I never had that I never got any any Thanksgiving any Christmas um so I think just in general um just wondering what it would be like with him here um and then I have a six year old now who asked about his brother and um we actually had a moment the other night he asked if he could see pictures and I showed him which he's seen them before but he's six so he's kinda he's kind of understanding really what's happening and um so he and this is not your question but I just have to share it.

SPEAKER_01: 35:47

So we were laying in bed and he's like I want to see I want to see Caden and so I showed him and I was scrolling over and one picture um his lips were kind of dark um and he's like you know why why is that and I said well you know he Bubba's not alive in that picture and he just broke down I mean just started bawling crying so there I'm crying um because it's just not fair you know um having to do this and he misses his brother he was only a year and a half but he I don't know if he were if he remembers that far you know that young but um it just sucks like like Joanne said it just sucks um just not knowing what he would be like I think that's the the big thing.

SPEAKER_05: 36:40

Oh gosh for sure. Jolyn you talked about that when we were um logging on and kind of talking about what we might talk about.

SPEAKER_02: 36:48

Will you just share what you said about um you know really trying to you know carry both sadness and joy and just the struggles of that um yeah so um with you guys and then other uh bereaved moms it's like carrying grief with gratitude how are we gonna do that like let's let's do both and since this has happened honestly I've tried to be really intentional um with things I've even had other bereaved moms um that are several several years in and they're like you're really intentional with the things that you do and I I don't want to feel like this forever like this sucks a lot and I I hate it and I want to feel better. I have a husband and I have a nine year old son so even with trying to be intentional with those things and with the things that you know you guys have taught us and that I have learned along the way um I didn't want to do Thanksgiving. I didn't want to do it at all. I did it for my son I did it for my mom and my family that lives here I went through the motions I still cooked the food we went up and we ate um but you know it sucked and I didn't want to do any of it. I just kind of did it for everybody else around me.

SPEAKER_07: 38:08

I love it I always used to say that I existed I existed in the moment. I was there existing in the moment but eventually the the feeling of being in the moment will come back one day. I don't I can't tell you which Tuesday it'll happen but it it'll come back.

SPEAKER_04: 38:27

I was just telling Barton Isabel sorry Barton Isabel about just feeling like existence especially that first year of just existing through the year. And I found one of the old posts that I wrote at one point um because I've always been super honest in my grief throughout everything. And part of it said that you can still be thankful and still be sad. Just like on Thanksgiving you can still be full but still eat dessert. So you are very much capable of both. It's just it's it's hard when in those moments the sadness definitely feels like it outweighs the thankfulness that you have right now.

SPEAKER_05: 39:11

I don't know if this would help at all but it's something that my dad started um that very first Thanksgiving is um you know he he did leave a space at the table um and had a place setting for Carter um and then he had each of us write whether it was just a heart in our name or if it was a little note and then we just piled them up on the plate. And you know I'm 10 years in and we still have a plate um you know and we've gathered little um you know whether it's a candle or little angels those type of things but I I mean one of the things I'd I just you know I encourage all of us including myself is to talk about your loved ones even if you're gonna cry you know put put a a place setting there and even just bust in and say can I I just I want to I want to address that I'm sad and and just want to say I miss Carter but I'm thankful for him. And part of that's that's okay and and that that crying together creates community just like what we did. And our loved ones are sad missing them too and it it all of a sudden creates a new a new space for just all of us.

SPEAKER_07: 40:31

Well and something that I've learned too over time is my family's not the one that's going to set the place at the table. Whereas I'm gonna have to take the initiative and do that if I want that done. And I used to kind of get upset that nobody's doing anything but it's not who they are you know and it's not that they've forgotten him or anything. But yeah I mean every family's different and if they're not doing something and you want something done then do it. It's it's that's not against the rules the rules that are no rules.

SPEAKER_00: 41:08

So it's I just think people don't really know what to do and they don't want to step on toes either. A thousand percent yeah thousand percent Lindsay how was y'all's first Thanksgiving we traveled to Louisiana which is what we normally do. We did not do it last year because my oldest was in the um third round of football playoffs for high school and being a senior year we skipped out on that and I realized that we didn't take a family picture last year. So I made everybody do it this year even though we're missing one because I would want it if something else were to happen. Yeah. Um so I don't know I I actually as we were sitting here I was trying to think like what we did and I like y'all said I was in the moment but I don't really remember it all I was there we conversated I smiled I laughed my other three kids I've asked them if they wanted to change anything for this year and they're like absolutely not they want everything the same because I think they've had so much change already this year that they don't want anything else to be different. So even though it kind of sucks for me I like I still want to do all the magical stuff for them and it to be the same.

SPEAKER_07: 42:20

I find even different traditions other people don't but I do I feel like we still we're we still do exactly what we did before Alec passed.

SPEAKER_00: 42:30

And that's what that's what we're doing so also even with Christmas coming that's everything's gonna be the same.

SPEAKER_04: 42:39

Robin what advice do you have heading into this um you know Christmas season um uh um it's hard because my first year was just very very different than everybody's because I literally had lost everything and didn't have to be strong for anybody else and didn't have to follow any of these traditions and just kind of said screw it I'm running away and I'm doing what I want so um it's hard a little bit for me to give advice in that realm. So but the next year when I had a boyfriend and a his daughter and which is now my husband and my bonus daughter but starting starting those traditions over and seeing the joy through a child's eyes again um was a hard and wonderful moment all at the same time for me. So getting to start some of those traditions again um in a completely different light was good. But I would still have to take my moment sometimes and even though Isabel never met Sean and Morgan, she could just tell sometimes and so she would know and Bart would know like okay we're gonna keep doing this but Miss Robin needs to go take a break for a minute. So um even when it's your own kids, you know, if mom needs a break for a minute just you know I know you don't want to let your other children down but sometimes you just have to take a second for yourself and let dad or sister or brother or whoever help out in the moment and then and then come back and be be your better self after you've taken a moment for yourself.

SPEAKER_07: 44:26

So and I love one of the things that you've done and we've talked about it before and I'm I'm sure they all know too but it's your Christmas tree where you had you asked for you didn't have them you didn't make them do it but you asked for people to send ornaments that reminded you or reminded them of Sean and Morgan and you built their own tree with their own ornaments that and I know other moms I can't remember who it is but they have trees at the um might be brandy that puts a tree at the at the grave site and have friends will go of Kohl's and go and decorate the Christmas tree with an ornament and she always loved seeing the ornaments that would show up and write a story with it or whatever. So I I've always thought that was a great tradition that you see and that took me a year too.

SPEAKER_04: 45:11

That one didn't start right away um it was when I finally started to figure myself out and find some joy again that I did. I had an extra Christmas tree and just decided to randomly put out on social media to friends and family if anybody wanted to make or donate an ornament in memory of Sean and Morgan that we would love it. And I I thought I would get a handful of ornaments and we have over 200 ornaments on our tree now and we had to upgrade the tree and Bart bought a rotating Christmas tree stand so that no ornaments get stuck in the back and you can see them all and it's one of my favorite trees and we still get ornaments. I still ask every year and I don't expect people to necessarily still send ornaments but I love that they do um and I love that we still get ornaments every year from people old and new that just want to give something for Sean and Morgan. So sometimes you just have to put it out there and you have to ask and you have to see what happens and it may be not exactly what you hoped for and it may blow your mind what will come out of just a small ask of somebody.

SPEAKER_09: 46:22

So don't be scared to ask Demi how was your week after your Thanksgiving in this um well I I kind of done just the things that I always do and been you know kind of just by myself really but I decorated my house and I do put a tree at the cemetery and a tree at the um accident site which I've never thought about reaching out for ornaments. That would be kind of cool um I did that and I just do it by myself I have a you know another son but I don't know it's just he doesn't really like to talk about it. He'll go by and look at the tree and just make sure the lights are still on and stuff like that. But I just kind of do those things on my own and um but I did enjoy family time and um all the things and you know just going places just making yourself do it you know like somebody said I I did the motions I did the dressing I did the gravy I did the cranberry sauce and I mean you know just all the things but um it's just a sad kind of time you think about all the things that they would have said or done or not done or I don't know it's just it's been kind of emotional for some reason this year.

SPEAKER_05: 47:53

Yeah it just hits us at different reasons different years. It's weird I mean I've been real like checked out kind of this year and I I mean I'm doing things though I'm you know involved in you know a really good Bible study and um I'm reading the um the devotional that we um received and you know just reading everything I can and just trying to keep my mind right I don't want to be a I don't want to be a Debbie Downer and yeah that's how you feel like I don't want people to look at me and be like oh but then again I I am all I think that we're all thankful that we're all here together but not thankful at all really yeah exactly I take that back I think just as we um finish up if we can just go around and and we'll call your names but um just um you know looking at each other on the screen what are you know you've all come together this purple table with Robin as your boy your mom um what are it could be a takeaway it could just be some you know gratitude for each other um just you know as we go around just just talk about the women that are just here on the screen and um anything you want to say to them as we wrap up.

SPEAKER_01: 49:20

So um Chesley you want to go first yeah sure um I'm thankful to have met everyone just to know that there's that I'm not alone and that there's people even though my grief is different from your grief but we all lost a kid in in retrospect of it so I think just knowing that I'm not alone and that I have man we lost you for a smidge. Jolyn why don't you jump in oh sorry there you're back okay finish your thought last thing we said was just um that we've all experienced this together yeah basically I'm just I'm I'm grateful to have met everyone um just so that um know that I'm not alone and that I have you know people that check on me and think about you know the hard days and and all so I'm just I'm grateful that I've met everyone Jill in um pretty much the same thing um just meeting everybody um knowing that we're in it together um you know the the Greek message still goes around and and we're all you know checking on each other you know Robin's like thinking of you um I don't know if I want to say knowing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel um but to see the other moms and then what they've been through and how they're doing and how they've handled their grief um I guess brings me some hope.

SPEAKER_02: 51:12

And I hope that it brings other women here hope that we'll we can find joy again. Love it.

SPEAKER_00: 51:22

Lindsay I'm also thankful for our little table of complete strangers um and we have a whole new support team within each other that actually completely understands um even though our children are different ages um it's it hurts the same it all it all hurts the same um and I look forward to following you ladies throughout this journey and finding our joy um no matter how long it takes.

SPEAKER_05: 51:52

That's right.

SPEAKER_06: 51:53

Rebecca um yeah I think the key word everybody's using is thankful um and and the gratitude um that goes with all of it you know we're all embracing the suck um and we're all like um just just being honest we're embracing the suck and that's about all we can do we get up every morning we put our pants on and we wonder at the end of the day how we got those pants on honestly I mean there are days where some days mine are the ones from the day before and the day before that. But to know that it's okay um and and like that's what I've told myself um I've tried to tell myself without talking to you guys before I talk to you guys like my journey through grief is okay it's not gonna look the same as everybody else it's not gonna be the same as everybody else and it's okay and that's what I've I've told myself but then I came into this group and I was able to not just say it to myself but to say it to other people and have them say it back of like yeah you're right we're okay not being okay like and that's just where we're at and that's okay that's okay that that's where we're at and so um you know being here and that's what I call it I'm I'm just here that's what I say people ask me how are you and I say well I'm just here and and what that looks like for me is you know I'm present and I'm watching and I'm looking and some days it's just body and some days it's all of me and again you know all of these women understand that not just mentally but physically and to their core and it's like it's like holding your best friend's hand um and that's comforting and it's it's nice. It's nice.

SPEAKER_03: 54:17

Susie you're next I think a big takeaway for me from all of it was um seeing the strength of every one of those moms come. You know sometimes it just it's all we can do to muster to get through getting up and getting a shower and getting our clothes on and going to work or whatever it is that we're required to do. And you know some days it was just literally for me putting literally telling myself take another step take another step and it you know it felt like um I always said it was like living in a black and white movie in slow motion that I wasn't in but everybody else was in the movie. Like today it's the Monday movie and I'm not in the Monday movie. It just happens to be playing but I'm watching everybody else live out the Monday movie. So when we were all sitting there and all in a room together we were all in the same movie and that was kind of the metaphor in my mind and just the strength that it took to get there to sit there to listen to be present there that was incredible strength. And then the friendships and the relationships that were developed that were bigger and better than what I ever had anticipated. You know I showed at the beginning that I met somebody that we had been texting and she lives in Atlanta and she was a key person of how I'd found out about all this because I would have never heard about it living in Dayton, Ohio. But when I look back and I see all the the pieces come together of how the events were orchestrated for me but also for everyone else of their story of how they found out about it it's not an accident you know to be able to connect to one again and then the gratefulness of all those pieces of being able to have that just um friendship that took place with complete strangers.

SPEAKER_09: 56:27

Which beautiful Demi Hey well um I just have to say that I'm really you know thankful to be part of this group and I I do really just light up when I see the emails and the random text and I a hundred percent feel like that it was meant for all of us to meet and it was totally orchestrated by God. I mean I just I just feel that that otherwise we wouldn't have all came together like we did and um I look forward to meeting some of you all again hopefully down the road um but it is like a unique friendship and it was just nice to hear people say random things like somebody I don't know if it was in our group or a breakout group that said they could not listen to music for a while and I'm like oh my gosh I can't either you know just to know that you're not so insane that you know there's the little things and there were so many of those moments that were like you know you feel like that but um you know I I thank you so much for keeping us together and and engaged and I'll you know look forward to doing better next time and like brushing my hair or something to work your home day and I'm brushing your hair there's no need to brush your hair.

SPEAKER_04: 57:47

I'm just woman it oh it's great and Robin final thoughts from you to your purple group oh gosh um well everybody knows that one of my sayings and one of my mottos is that when my kids look down from heaven I want them to say my mom is a badass. So um I am thankful that God and Amy and Michelle and our group uh gave me the opportunity to meet all of y'all and um get to know not just y'all but your angels and your stories and the friendships that grew from it. And I hope that my story can help y'all and that finding ways to turn our pain into purpose is just something that we can all learn to strive for and do better at and that when all of our kids look down from heaven they will say my mom is a badass.

SPEAKER_07: 58:44

Oh heck yeah oh heck yeah um and speaking of I know that there are I know that um Sheila McConnell and Cindy Lockhart are starting a group out in the Oconee area Lake Oconey Eatonton area so be on the lookout for all of that.

SPEAKER_05: 59:03

I know Jolan has one up in Kentucky and then and I know that there are several others that are going to be I know one is going to be starting in um Beauford area um so I know that there's you know coming the after the first of the year things are really going to be um and that's that's been my dream for all of you women out there that have lost a child is for there to be little pods of bombs just together talking saying you two I'm not crazy Demi I you don't know how many times I've said that to Michelle about just random things you know and I was like oh God thank God that's grief that's not me losing my mind my marbles yet but it's you know and we need that we need those people to make us feel normal in the this world of unnormal and that's just the way it is and that's absolutely yeah so that's that's my well we cannot thank y'all enough for being vulnerable tonight and um sharing a little bit about your takeaways and what was hard and just your continued um I love what Rebecca said living you know embracing The suck and that was it, that was right. Um, and we're we're just so thankful. So um, thanks for being the first table, Robin, and yeah, pushing us forward. I love it. Sure.

SPEAKER_04: 1:00:29

Love it. I'll always here to be the guinea pig for you guys.

SPEAKER_05: 1:00:34

Oh, and just sending you a hug over the over the screen.

SPEAKER_07: 1:00:40

Yes, six virtual hugs. Virtual hugs. And I just want to thank all of our listeners out there for listening once again. Um, and these are you know, six more badass women right here on the on the podcast today. So we want to be grateful for everyone. Until next time.

SPEAKER_06: 1:00:59

Thank you guys.

SPEAKER_07: 1:00:59

Until next time. Don't hang out, guys. Don't hang up, don't hang up. Okay. We gotta make sure it all downloads, Michelle. Or if y'all do hang out, don't close out of the um, don't close out of this. Michelle, we're still recording. I um yes, I see that.

SPEAKER_05: 1:01:23

Interesting.

SPEAKER_07: 1:01:25

We're still technically challenged.

SPEAKER_05: 1:01:29

Um I already have I don't have a stop, Amy, on my screen. I bet because it kicked me out. Well, I think I think we can just say goodbye, and I'm gonna keep all my screens open and yeah what happens for everybody, and then we'll let her keep recording.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:02

Okay, bye guys.

SPEAKER_07: 1:02:05

All right, bye guys. Thank you. Bye, have a good night.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:09

Y'all too.