Warrior Moms: Surviving Child Loss
A club no one wants to be in because the initiation is too big of a sacrifice: the loss of a child. Unthinkable. Unimaginable. Warrior Moms is local group in north Atlanta filled with strong, courageous, funny, and fiercely loving women who are surviving and thriving amidst horrific grief.
This podcast features Amy Durham and Michele Davis, two of the Warrior Moms, who will guide listeners through their grief journey. Every fourth or fifth episode will showcase another Warrior Mom, the trauma they endured, stories about their beloved child, and tips on how they get out of bed every day.
Each and every Warrior Moms' story is different, the children and the loss is different, but one thing they share is the decision to live. They have figured out how to live life putting one foot in the past and the other moving forward. Yes, it's beyond awful. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's worth it. And yes, they say, you can survive child loss AND thrive.
Warrior Moms: Surviving Child Loss
Logan Schick's Story: Ep 30
Jenny Schick joins us to share the courageous story of her daughter Logan, a young woman whose vibrant spirit was shadowed by struggles with anxiety, ADD, and, ultimately, addiction. Jenny opens up about the early signs of Logan's mental health challenges, like the day-to-day anxiety that spiraled from something as simple as a social interaction in third grade. Through Jenny's heartfelt memories, we gain insight into the profound impact mental health can have on a child's life and how these challenges do not define who they are at their core.
The episode takes a poignant turn as we explore the harrowing path Logan faced with addiction. From the initial use of Xanax to the devastating grip of heroin, Logan's journey unfolds amidst traumatic events and systemic failures in the recovery landscape. We discuss the importance of informed decisions when it comes to treatment options and the relentless cycle of addiction that Logan endured, with it finally ending in fentanyl poisoning. This conversation sheds light on the harsh realities of addiction recovery and the need for better support systems to help those in need.
Grief and healing are intricate parts of this narrative, as Jenny shares the emotional aftermath of losing a child. We touch on the complexities of family dynamics, the balancing act of parenting through crises, and the enduring "what ifs" that linger. Yet, amidst the sorrow, there are glimmers of hope and resilience, like celebrating a family wedding in memory of Logan. Jenny reflects on the healing power of community support, emphasizing the strength foofelping with her daughter Jordan's wedding. This episode offers a heartfelt exploration of loss, love, and the resilience needed to keep moving forward while honoring those we've lost.
"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton
Thank you for listening to Warrior Moms podcast. It is an honor to share about our beloved children gone too soon, and we hope by telling of our loss, it may help someone in their grief journey. Please note that we are not medical professionals and encourage those listening to seek help from mental health professionals.
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With love,
Warrior Moms Amy & Michele
Hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms Surviving Child Loss. I am Michelle Davis.
Speaker 2:And I am Amy Durham. It's so good to have y'all here and we actually have gosh, a new mom. I shouldn't call her a new mom, but she is a relatively new mom to our group and you know I hate that she's here, but I'm thankful she's here at the same time. But we actually go. I'm going to say we personally don't go way back, but we know a lot of the same people and stuff. So it was. I was grateful when she found our group and started coming so we could.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm grateful how much you put on the internet so that I could find your group.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Misery Deeds Company is the joke always right. Her name is Jenny Schick and she lost her daughter Logan two and a half years ago. Jenny, am I right? Two and a half, yep, yep, two and a half. So I'm going to introduce Jenny Schick and I just want you to tell us a little bit about Logan and who she was.
Speaker 3:Well, she was the first time we heard the song Wild Child by Kenny Chesney. We were like, ah, there, we go there it is Right, the whole story.
Speaker 3:Yes, yep, she had a, a beautiful soul that um probably one of the most giving and um, generous, sweet natured spirits in the world but also, could um, fiercely loyal. You didn't mess with her family, you didn't mess with her, you didn't mess with anybody Like. She just was that ferociously overprotective, you know. But she just just a really sweet soul, just a really really sweet soul. She was always. I like to joke and say she was a perfect baby. She hardly ever cried and we did not know how good we had it. My in-laws kept saying wait till you have your next one. And then we had Joe and we were like, ah, okay, I get it. We like to say she kind of hit her terrible twos and never left them. She was two the rest of her life. Yeah, yes, but she was troubled, but she was sweet. Most of them are yeah.
Speaker 2:They really are.
Speaker 3:Talk us through the terrible days leading to Logan's passing so um well, it depends how far do you want me to go back, Because it's it's hard to go.
Speaker 2:Yes, you start where you feel you need to start, because we all have different. We all have different roads, and some of them you know mine was a long road.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And ours was.
Speaker 3:I feel like to not go back to the beginning is to do a kind of a disjustice really to the story, because if you jump in in the middle you don't understand how she got to where she was. You know, with people of addiction, you need to know how they got there, it's not just where they are.
Speaker 2:And I do want to say this it does not define them either. No, no.
Speaker 3:It does not define them, and that's where that needs to be said right there, exactly. So she, like I said, she was a, just a, had a really big heart and also, though, you know, she had a lot of anxiety that we didn't really understand, because I feel like this was back before. You know, people didn't understand mental health, like, and you, you really didn't think that a, you know, a third grader could have mental health issues. But they do. And one story she was in third grade. This little boy kept asking her to a dance that they were having and she did not know how to tell him no. It got to the point she wound up with a stomach ulcer because it upset her so badly because she didn't want to hurt him, but she didn't know how to turn him down without hurting him. So it just turned into a whole thing. We actually had to go to the principal's office and the parents had to come in and tell him to stop. You know, like, leave it anyway. It was kind of crazy, but even in that moment I still you just, I'm just like she's just overreacting, you know.
Speaker 3:Well, she was also diagnosed with ADD and this was also, you know, back before we really understood what ADD medication does to a tiny brain and you know all the emotions that she would be feeling. You know she's on this great high and then she's down here and you know, as adults, or even as older teenagers, if you take something like that, you understand why you're here, why you're here, what you know, how you go up and down. You understand that. But to a third grader, it's what's wrong with me. Why do I want to sit in the corner by myself and not talk to anybody?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so those were some of the issues that she struggled with early on, and as she got older, you know, she always felt like she. I think she felt like she lived in her little sister's shadow, because Jordan didn't have those issues and didn't struggle with any anxiety. She could walk into a room and talk to everybody, whereas Logan needed to wait on people to talk to her. She always kind of struggled with that too. She always kind of struggled with that too, and somewhere I started noticing like it was it, it. It was never good for her to be in a group of three girls. It needed to be four. You know what I'm saying. You know having a dog, you know. You know how it is. They need to have that If they feel they're being ganged up on. Even if somebody laughs at something, you know that's minor. She would just be all hurt and so anyway, she.
Speaker 2:As Layla would say. She says there's always a duo in the trio. Yes, like there might be a trio. Yes, there's always a duo in that trio.
Speaker 3:Yes, like there might be a trio, there's always a duo in that trio. Somebody's always battling for the attention there's going to be a partner in the school.
Speaker 2:They're going to be partners and you're going to be left out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and Logan couldn't. She couldn't differentiate between she took everything personally, like she took everything to. She took everything to heart 100% and couldn't differentiate between okay, well, this really isn't about you, it's about somebody. I don't really know if I'm explaining that right, but she just felt everything deeply. So, all of that combined, she just started struggling when, I guess, it started getting really bad. When she was in eighth grade we started noticing she was really kind of taking a turn. She was struggling more with friends. And then she went on to high school, to ninth grade, and her friends made cheerleading and she was still just playing soccer, but actually she turned to volleyball and just kind of felt left out. And this is no way reflecting like those girls didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 2:She was just trying to still find her place.
Speaker 3:Exactly. She found not the best people to invest her time with. As time went on, and she actually she was 15 and stole our I don't want to say stole. She snuck out and took our minivan to a party.
Speaker 2:Nice.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was like going wow, and I thought I had when I was young, but she took the cake on that, yes, but anyway. So we we knew she was going down a bad path. So we decided, okay, we were going to try to move, try to move schools, just try to get her in a better environment. We chose Lambert High School, which was great for Jordan not so much for Logan, but of course we moved her the start of her junior year. So, as you can imagine, that was hard, but she wanted to move, she was ready to get out, but we just don't know that it was the best school choice for her. So, um, she became more and more introverted, just, uh, you know, still once again, could only have like one friend at a time. And, um, her and Jordan became best friends for that first year until Jordan got a boyfriend and they just kind of started. I don't she just I don't know any other word except she just became more and more introverted, Turned into herself.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So, um, cut to, she graduates and I knew that something was bad because she you know Logan had always I don't want to say she struggled with her weight, cause she wasn't ever heavy, but just not petite, for lack of I don't really know how to to to describe it, but when she graduated she was five, seven and I bet she weighed a hundred pounds, oh goodness. So you know I'm thinking, okay, is she upping her Vyvanse without me knowing? And I and I was keeping it. You know, I wasn't like I doled it out to her, I didn't just let her have it. So I don't know, I guess, hindsight's, 20-20. You look back and you see all the signs, but right then it was hard.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I can see it, Because you never think. You know, I knew she was smoking weed, but you never think that they're doing the hard stuff Like you. Just it never crosses your mind.
Speaker 2:And it's not because you don't think that, oh, she would never do that. You're just thinking she's a senior in high school. Where would she even yeah, when would that even come from? Where would she even know about this?
Speaker 3:I still, I could not imagine. You just can't imagine that your kid is doing that. Yes, I just call it. I don't know, I just couldn't fathom. But so she graduated in 2015. And in 2000,. My dates get so blurry. Yes, I want to say it was 2000. Jordan graduated in 17. I think it was. 2016, was her first time in rehab, was her first time in rehab and she came home and um, she finally had admitted that she was doing um, she was doing Xanax, so she had not gotten to the really, really, really hard stuff, but that was hard enough and, um, she couldn't.
Speaker 3:She couldn't come off of it by herself. So she came home and she was having withdrawals and, um, I, you know I'm going crazy, I'm calling whoever I can so I find her a place. Well, before she goes. Um, her sister came and saw her and, I'm sorry, I said 2016,. It was 2018. Um, her sister came and saw her and, I'm sorry, I said 2016,. It was 2018. Um, jordan came home and they sat out in the car and talked and Jordan left and she came in and she said well, mom, she said um, I promised Jordan that I would tell you this before, uh, before you take me to Mount Sinai. You this before, uh, before you take me to Mount Sinai um come to find out she had been, uh, she had been raped when she was 15 years old violently raped, not a date rape.
Speaker 3:Violently raped twice by um and the same night and um. And then when we moved her junior year, she was date raped. She passed out and she woke up with the guy taking advantage of her. Oh my. And so you just take the years of the trauma and everything and now you're adding real trauma and it. She couldn't, she couldn't handle it and so she had been self-medicating all those years.
Speaker 3:And you know, the more you self-medicate, the more you self-medicate, the more and more you take. And um, that was I know that she was doing um, xanax was the drug that she did. She had not yet stepped into heroin. Um, she went to rehab. She came out and, uh, this part's foggy I. I don't know if it was maybe two months. I think that she stayed clean, um and we she went into a sober living, um, which you know again, you learn things. You know those are just, it's just a place for them to.
Speaker 2:Some of them are good and some of them are not. Some of them are good.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yes, for our listeners, sober living is where, basically, when they come out of a treatment center, it's supposed to be a safe haven, where they're kind of living with a group of people with like a house manager that oversees them. They go to meetings, they work jobs, they do this type stuff to be able to get back on their feet and transition back into quote unquote the real world. And there are some good that are very manageable and managed and the people there are all working towards the same goal, and then there's others that are introducing you to new things.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That you shouldn't be introduced to. In those cases, yeah. So, it's when in the recovery or in the what's this called Addiction world and the treatment centers and stuff like that there are differences, in that it does matter.
Speaker 3:Yes, and you definitely have to. You know, I did my research on the rehabs, not, didn't you know, ignorance, I just didn't know. You know, I thought it's hey, it's, it's a sober living, what could possibly? You know they, they're monitored. Well, you know again, some do, some don't. Unfortunately, she was in one where they didn't. Unfortunately, she was in one where they didngan took heroin. She did not inject herself, she was actually, uh, assisted by someone else.
Speaker 3:She was assisted. She was not coherent enough to say no, to understand what was going on, and he injected her and you know from that first hit it was she was.
Speaker 2:It's highly addictive?
Speaker 3:Yeah, probably it's probably. I've always heard it's one of the most addictive and it's, besides alcohol, it's the most dangerous one to come off of.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you could die coming off of either alcohol or, yeah, heroin without opioids is yes, yes.
Speaker 3:So, um, we spent the next four and a half years, um, in and out of rehabs, in and out of sober livings. Um, she went from Georgia to we, we. She found a place down in Florida. She wanted to go. We switched insurance, got her moved down there with her grandparents and then she found a place further south that she wanted to go and you know, by this point she had navigated the system. I mean, she could get online and find and figure out insurance, because you know they're, they want your money. So, again, not all are bad, some are good, yeah, so she found places and she wound up down in Palo Alto, palm Beach. Yeah, I always get them. Is it West Palm Beach? That's in Florida? I have no idea. I always forget there's a Palm Beach. I think Palm Beach is California. West Palm Beach is, yeah, west Palm Beach, that's a Palm Beach.
Speaker 1:I think Palm Beach is California, west Palm Beach is. Yeah, west Palm Beach, that's right.
Speaker 3:You would think it was backwards. I know right. I think that's why it always confuses me.
Speaker 2:Yes, you would think it was backwards, because that's the West Coast anyway.
Speaker 3:We wound up down there and you know Logan had she couldn't be alone. She's codependent, so always very codependent, always needed to have somebody else, a guy, with her, and so she went through three or four boyfriends in the four or five years that she was in and out of rehab. Of course, all of them she met in rehab or in sober living and that's okay, because sometimes that works. But for somebody like Logan it was not going to work and bad choice after bad choice.
Speaker 2:And so it's a vicious cycle. It's a vicious cycle with the places and the decisions and the people, and they might be somebody different in a different place, but it's still the same cycle.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:And so she cycled what, like you said, four to five years. Oh yeah, and she was back home. Yes, with y'all, yeah.
Speaker 3:She I. Actually, in February of 2022, sean and I were still living in Atlanta and we got a phone call, um from some strange man out in California that said you need to fly out here and get your daughter. She is. Um, she was at his apartment. She was scared. Um, she had no place to go. She was scared, she had no place to go. She had lost her luggage.
Speaker 3:And come to find out, I think he was a dealer, not 100%, but it was just a very long, bad night. To the point, I booked a flight and in five hours I was on a plane to California, went and got her and brought her back and, um, I met the guy that she was dating at the time. He was supposed to be going back to Minnesota. Um, he did not. He came to Georgia. We did not know that until somewhere around May 7th, I guess. We caught him in our basement. She swore that he was going to a rehab. So you know nothing that we can do. I'm not kicking her out. So, anyway, I'm making this story choppy, but on May 13th, we had to fly down to Florida because we got a call from Sean's mom that his dad was passing away and it was happening pretty quick. So we caught a flight the very next. Well, we booked it the next morning and we were flying out that afternoon. Um, and.
Speaker 1:Sean's your husband, right.
Speaker 3:Sean is my husband. I'm sorry, yes, yeah, um, I kept. I was on Logan. It was taking her forever to get ready and I finally I'm like what is going like? What is going on? And she had been good. She had been going out with her sister. They were getting along great. No signs of anything that I could see Now. She drank, but Logan was never a big drinker. So if she did drink and I know for a lot of people they don't understand that, but lesser of two evils, you know, and I wanted her at home. So if she was going to go out and she would have a few drinks, then so be it. At least she's here and she's not.
Speaker 3:She's not doing heroin, she's not doing meth, she's not doing any of that. And we have an eye on her. She was with her sister.
Speaker 2:She was with her sister, who was her protector and loved her and was not going to allow that to happen Exactly.
Speaker 3:So, um, I go downstairs and yeah, I came come to find out. Uh, the guy, his name, um, his name doesn't matter, don't say his name.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know why. I even sort of said that we don't give him any air time. He doesn't get any air time.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 3:I have a name, but I won't say that on here. Yeah, I'm sure you do. Yeah, do yeah. So, uh, he is downstairs in our basement with her and she is three sheets to the wind hammered. I just thought she was drunk. She was not. She was high, she had, um, she had been doing heroin, um, and we have to get her on a plane to Florida. So we finally do. We go to Florida. Sean's dad passes away. We come back.
Speaker 3:On May 21st, sean and I go out to a concert. We get back from the concert and we go to a place in Roswell and Sean has an accident that night. He slips on some steps, breaks his ribs, almost dies, spins. See, that was May 21st. On May May 29th they decided they scheduled a surgery. They were going to do surgery on him May 30th to scrape out his lungs because his lungs filled with fluid and that it almost killed him, and so, on the morning that they're supposed to do surgery, I get a phone call from my mother-in-law and she's hysterical. She's like I was getting ready, she's like I was in your room and um, two, um, sorry.
Speaker 1:You are fine. Take a breath, it's hard.
Speaker 3:Two EMTs, um, came around, the came into my bedroom and they were they. They were like do you need help? Do you need medical help? And she was like, what are you talking about? And they were like we got a phone call. We got a phone call that there was an unresponsive 25-year-old in the house. So my mother-in-law knows. So she is like, oh my God. So she takes them back down all the way to the bottom floor and, um, they're trying to open the door. It's locked. And so they burst through the door and Logan was laid back on the bed, um, and the guy was going out the window as the EMTs were coming in and um, she was.
Speaker 3:I think she was gone at that point, but I don't. I don't know Um, cause you know they they didn't, they didn't pronounce her. Her time of death was, um, after she was at the hospital. And I know that that's that's not. I don't think that it's correct. But, um, I got home, I hung up with her and I jumped in my car and thankfully we were only. We were less than 10 minutes from the hospital.
Speaker 3:So when I got there, um, they were coming out with her on the um gurney and they had the, the big machine, um, the gurney, and they had the big machine and I ran over and I was screaming is she alive, is she alive? And they won't even look at me. And out of the corner of my eye I saw him on the ground under the window and I just ran and leapt on top of him and just pummeled him to the point that I got pulled off of him. I didn't get thrown to the ground, they did not throw me to the ground, but I got put on the ground and I got handcuffed where I was when my younger daughter showed up. So I'm on the ground handcuffed.
Speaker 3:They are taking her into the ambulance and, um, the only good thing the guy ever did is they. Um asked him if he wanted to press charges and he said I don't know what you're talking about. She didn't touch me. He did do one decent thing, but they kept me there until they were making me stay because of some protocol I don't even know what it was and the female officer got a notification and she said they want me to get you to the hospital now. So when I got there, I walked in and Sean had come downstairs from his hospital room and we locked eyes and he said she's gone.
Speaker 2:And she was gone.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh was gone.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh, you know that whole scene, I know just probably replaced and replaced and replaced in your head. You know you have so many um. It was one of the moms that I talked to her. Her son just died and you know she just what ifs. Every time I see her she's just like if I had, if I had, and I'm like we all would have.
Speaker 3:But my what if is? Um, what if I had to let my anger get me and I hadn't ran towards him? If I would have gotten into the hospital, into the ambulance with her and she heard my voice, you know, was she alive? Would it have pulled her back? And that's the thing that I go over and over in my head and I know that's. It's such a. You know, this is the craziest things that you. I mean. There's a thousand things that I'd go back and think and know that I could have done different. But that day, that moment in time, just to hold her hand, because they wouldn't let us touch her, they weren't going to let us go in and see her and we had to beg to go in and see her. Going to, let us go in and see her, and we had to beg to go in and see her. So the medical examiner said I will let you go in. But he said you have to promise me you will not touch her because I don't know if she is a crime scene yet.
Speaker 1:Good mistakes. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3:So that's, uh, that's Logan's story Um well, and you have you.
Speaker 1:you know, as we all know, we, you carry your grief, and then you have your daughters and your husbands, and I mean it just is, it's so many layers that are so, so hard.
Speaker 3:And you know the thing with my daughter I, you know she was always such a strong, confident kid. I like it, that's. The other thing that breaks my heart is she fell apart, you know, and all those years I thought she was so strong and she was just. She was dying inside with me and Sean and I, you know, I was so hyper focused on Logan and all of her struggles that I'm. I missed my younger daughter's struggles. So another what if she turned out great?
Speaker 2:So addiction is a family disease. Yeah, that is. You know all of that. And then you know, and so she's passed. Now, how? Now? The next question is Michelle, what have you? I mean, you want to ask it. You're the good question person.
Speaker 1:Well, I was. I was going to say you talked about your daughter Jordan doing well, fast forward to just this fall and you celebrated her wedding. I mean that to go from the end of May and that horrific scene and just desperate sorrow. I mean we met you, I think. What was it? Maybe three weeks after that that you came to your mom's no?
Speaker 2:December. It was December of last year.
Speaker 1:Oh, so six months yeah.
Speaker 3:It was a year, it was. I think it was a year and a half.
Speaker 2:It was a year and a half. Yeah, Cause I.
Speaker 3:I was. I was non-functioning, yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 3:So no, it was a year and a.
Speaker 1:It was a year and a half, yeah, and a year and a half yeah, and um, what were I mean when you say you were non-functioning?
Speaker 3:like give us a couple pictures of of what that was like you know I've wondered so many times how people, um, I say that have real jobs, I have a real job, we have a business. But you know, I could, like I zoned out on TV for six months and it was just, it was background noise, it just, and it was just to shut out. I'm sorry, I'm going to shut the bedroom door, it was just to shut out the noise in my head because I couldn't, you know, I couldn't stand myself, for you know, you think I, I did, I let my kid down. How did I let this happen? Right? So I just, you know, I could go out and I could see friends, but then I would be immobile for just days, just just not moving.
Speaker 2:Everything out of you to go out and see plants, yeah yeah, and act like you're okay, or were you? Did you act like you were okay, or were you just like?
Speaker 3:no, I mean, I don't think I, I don't think I acted like I was okay and I'll just be brutally honest. Wine got me through a lot, um, cause you didn't feel, I didn't know and I didn't want to feel, and that numbed it. That really numbed it. Um, you know, I, I, I struggled with a lot, of, a lot of things. Um well, I was headed down the self-medicating path. What?
Speaker 1:was it that got you out of that or that took you to some healthy strategies instead? I don't know if I'm there yet. Yeah Well we all have these moments right, I think, jordan getting engaged.
Speaker 3:I know that that focused my mind so I could think about that and have that, that joy to look forward to. Um, but you know, sean and I have both said since the wedding we've just plummeted a little bit because you know you have that to look forward to, you have all that and I I knew I had already prepared myself that when that's over I'm oh dear sorry. No, you're good, you can still hear me. Yes, yeah, so new to this, you're fine.
Speaker 2:I love it. It's back, we've, we've worked, we've figured all that out like a year ago. Yeah, yeah, we're professionals at this technology thing, but we are a little bit better than we were at the beginning, right, michelle?
Speaker 3:yes, for sure but anyway, I am, I focused on that and God love her. She, she, she is amazing. She planned this incredible, incredible wedding and people you know are like, how did you do it, how did you? And I was like, well, um, she just pointed a finger and said, mom, do this, do that, do this. And I did it. And she knew she knows me well, she knew what I could handle and what I couldn't handle. She knew that I would procrastinate. She knew that, you know, she knew me, so she never gave me more than I could handle, just enough that I was part of it and I could occupy myself, you know, occupy my brain.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the pictures are absolutely stunning, I know, and again, she researched, and researched, and researched, and she had a very specific you know, and we haven't even that was just like the preview. You know, I hadn't even gotten all of them back yet I haven't even gotten a picture of myself other than what my friends took, because they just sent us pictures of the bridal party.
Speaker 1:They did the video too, and they do like kind of a cinematic video, so I'm super excited, yes, how did you get through the day and you know kind of honor, that grief of you know missing Logan and knowing she would be right there with Jordan, and how did you get through that day?
Speaker 3:So she was very generous and she by she, I mean Jordan was very generous with what, letting me have. You know, I needed to have certain things to feel like Logan was there, but I also, you know, I don't want, I didn't want to over take the day away.
Speaker 3:No, no, but she was very gracious with saying you know, mom, if you need that, we'll do that. So, um, and the day is so frantic so you almost don't have time, but we, um, we had a, uh, we had chairs that were draped and we did it on both sides because, um, her husband had lost. It's so weird to say, her husband, you have a son-in-law?
Speaker 1:Yeah, my son-in-law.
Speaker 2:He had lost you. Sound old Jenny, uh-oh, I know God, it's so weird.
Speaker 3:So weird.
Speaker 3:You're like a grown-up or something Right, exactly, exactly. So we had chairs, two empty chairs on each side with drapes over them that had the names and Jordan's best friend growing up. She lived at our house from the time she was five years old because they played soccer together, so she's like my third daughter, uh-huh. When she came down the aisle she had an extra bouquet that would have been Logan's bouquet. So when she came down she stopped and put the bouquet in. Oh, stop it. And Jordan's maid of honor had us all, had made us these beautiful little pins with pictures. And then I had surprised Jordan and um Sean. I found these little vials, um, for their ashes, and so I gave them both on the day of the wedding. So I told Sean, I said you can still walk floating down the aisle. Oh my, we did that. And then we had a table at the reception and then we have a song. Sweet Caroline is our little family song that I would never tell you the story to it because it's just bad. Parenting 101.
Speaker 2:We don't want to put that out in the world. Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 3:But we played that song and had just a big dance for her and anyway we she was there and we made the maid of honor also decided to do a scrapbook for Jordan, and so that everybody made a scrapbook page and so I made two pages. I made one for me.
Speaker 1:One for Logan that was hard, wasn't it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it took a while.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it took a while. Yeah, we kind of have this thing, that Jordan. I think it was my first birthday after Logan passed. She gave me a card and she said in it it said what Logan would say, and then she had these little. She would tell you to be happy. She would tell you know I've kind of kept that on, you know, when I give stuff to her, you know what Logan would say. And then I also had our little teddy bear. Logan's ashes are in here. So I had that with me all day.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Those were just. Those are beautiful things I haven't heard about.
Speaker 3:Well, one thing. The other thing that we did too. I got this from a Never Say Her Deal. Yes, the very first time. She was at the first meeting that I went to and, um, she was talking about her daughter and um they had they did a family portrait and had a picture of her son in the portrait, and so we did that.
Speaker 3:So we had a family, our family pictures. We have a picture of Logan I also had the picture in the chair beside me, but we also did that so I'm super excited to see that too.
Speaker 2:I love that.
Speaker 3:I love that.
Speaker 2:Beautiful.
Speaker 1:I love it. So what are some of the things that you've found that have been helpful? So, when we think of listeners, and you're two and a half years in and, gosh, you've just lived through so much trauma and um, what are some things that you could say that helped?
Speaker 2:Somewhat. I think two and a half years is not. I know still in it. It's still in the trenches.
Speaker 3:I know it's still in it, it's still in the trenches, oh well, yeah, the second year was just horrible. And you know, I think I think one thing that I would say is you know, I appreciate that, like Amy was brutally honest with me about, you know, the second year, the third year, you know it's not, it doesn't get better, it doesn't get or it doesn't get easier. That's what I want to say. It doesn't get easier, it gets better, but it doesn't get easier. And for me, you know, jordan and Sean both wanted me to talk to somebody, to to see somebody, a therapist.
Speaker 3:And for me, just for me personally, just going and talking to somebody that really has no other than a clinical idea of what I'm Um, that to me, was not going to help me. I needed, um, I needed somebody who had experienced it, who had, who had. It didn't have to be my exact trauma, but it had to be. They had to have a real understanding for me to talk to. So, going to Warrior Moms my family doesn't let me miss. There's been days I'll come up with every excuse and they're like no, you need to go, you need to go.
Speaker 2:They have it circled on their calendar. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 3:To the point where it's been like 30 minutes before and Sean's like go, like you need to go. So, um, I think you know, try to surround yourself with with Pete, don't don't just talk to, just to a psychiatrist, or talk to people that have been, like you said, in the trenches, that know and have proven you know that have ways that they've dealt with it, cause I'm still learning, like I, I still don't have, um, it's just day to day. Oh yeah, it's just I. Today I was like I don't. I literally was like I don't know if I can do this. Yeah, I don't know if I can do it, I'm not sure.
Speaker 1:We wondered that. We said that right before. Yeah, I was like I am hitting panic mode.
Speaker 3:Like an hour before, my palms were sweating and I was like, oh, I'm just getting ready to just lay this whole thing out there and look at me, I'm getting nervous, yeah. But, um, and I'll be honest, I've, I have self-medicated, I've I the the first. Is it okay if I share this? Yeah, the first six months, or well, for six months, the first six weeks, um, I probably went through a bottle of wine a day and I thought that that was numbing my pain. It doesn't, it amplifies it.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So, it just puts it off, doesn't it for?
Speaker 3:another day.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly. And you're not the only one that has done that. Oh, I know.
Speaker 1:Well, and we so appreciate your honesty because it normalizes it and it's not something, of course, like you said, it doesn't make it better, it just prolongs that. You still have to face it.
Speaker 3:That's the reality of it all, but I love that you're allowing others to hear you know, and it's and and nobody could tell me, you know, and nobody could tell me that it's you're making it worse, you're just making it worse and I'm like, yep, but right now, at this particular moment, I feel better. At 4.52 in the afternoon. Yeah, go buy me another drink, and.
Speaker 2:I don't think that, but you had friends that cared about you and loved you and have walked this walk with you for so long.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But they don't know. No, You're grateful for them to stick around and bring you dinner and you know, come drink a glass of wine, whatever, but it is hard to talk to them because you're sitting there thinking. You don't know what I'm feeling.
Speaker 3:No, you can't, and I don't want you to know that, and I don't want you to. You don't, but you know, but exactly.
Speaker 2:You're like I'm never going to be normal again because nobody that I know that I'm sitting with has been through this. They don't know you know and so that, yeah, and I don't want you to Right, and so that is the comforting, and so that, yeah, and I don't want you to, and so that is the comforting part.
Speaker 1:How did you move from? You know the bottle of wine a day.
Speaker 3:How did you sort of wake up from that? Well again, I'll be brutally honest, I looked in the mirror one day and realized I had aged 10 years, you know, and I know it wasn't just that. Um but it, yeah, I knew that I was because of what I had. I think I got scared that I could be permanently self-medicating.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that you could follow Logan.
Speaker 3:Exactly, and I will say a lot of it to Jordan. It wasn't fair to her for me to be. She's scared to death. She's going to lose Sean or I.
Speaker 1:She has a great fear in that and I couldn't do that to her yeah, if you can control something, that's one thing you can control, right yeah, yeah, so not that there's not days that I still don't right, yes,
Speaker 2:you know, it's just day by day and that is I mean we have a common theme between michelle and I is you have to make a choice every day yeah it's just like an addict. You make a choice every day to have a good day or to be present. That day, mine was to get out of bed. I had to pee sometimes.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there are days where and Sean and I both do it there are days where we just look at each other and we're like we're not doing anything today, Are we?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just camp, you know you don't even have to talk to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean we're eight years into it and we still have those days I mean, it's just, you're always going to, the missing is never going to go away. Days I mean it's just, you're always going to, the missing is never going to go away. It's just such heartache. But it does get fewer. The days get fewer that you need to sit still or to stay in bed for sure.
Speaker 2:And they're not as drastic. I feel too. Yeah, they used to be drastic, and days on end, and now it's just one or two days instead of four or five days.
Speaker 3:Exactly, exactly, yes, I think. To go back to your question, I think another thing that we and we just, you know, we just did it for her two year, but it's kind of um, you know, I felt like on her birthday and on her, um, angel day, angel day that we had to, you know, go sit somewhere and let balloons go and listen to sad music and cry, and um, because that just seemed like what we should do. And so, um, this past year, for her um, two year, sean was like he's like, I don't want to go sit at the lake, listen to music and cry. He's like, and I was like, but well, but I need to feel, I need to, you know, make sure that she knows that I'm down here feeling sad and he's like why?
Speaker 3:what would she really want? She would want you to celebrate. He's like let's go to Stone Mountain. And I was like, are you insane, are you serious? He's like, yes, we're going to Stone Mountain. So I was like he's like don't you think Logan would love that? Didn't she love the laser show?
Speaker 3:I was like she did when she was little. So we took our balloons, we took our little radio and had just, you know, just had her, our family and her couple of best friends and watch the laser show. We played her song and we let the balloons go. And then we decided for her birthday or for, I think, next year, we're actually going go karting. So for her birthday we still do. I think we're going to do the same thing that we've done. But you know, I think my point was is you don't have to just sit and be sad on that day. You know, do something that that celebrates them, that they would enjoy and that it was so wonderful this year doing that. Like it's just not something I would have ever thought, but yeah, I would. You know, go, go, do something they love.
Speaker 1:I love that advice.
Speaker 2:Yes, and it evolves. Like you said, it just kind of organically happened. Yeah, and now you're like, oh, she would love to roll her. You know, I know we talked about the go-kart and I was like, oh, there's like professional, like fast ones, yes, I told you I was like that's what we're going to do.
Speaker 3:He's like honey. He's like I don't think we need to do that in December. We might want to hold that off to her angel day. You know what? That's a good point. Go-karting in December might be a little cold.
Speaker 2:Oh yes, oh no, thank you.
Speaker 1:For sure. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you so much, jenny. I just you know you were so vulnerable and honest and I know you missed that sweet and generous, sweet girl of yours. Thank you, and we're so sorry and you know we, like um Amy said that you're in our group, but we're so glad that you found that you know we're in this together.
Speaker 3:I'm so grateful I you guys have helped me so much and I I'm just, and you help us, I don't Well, thank you, I mean it's, it's.
Speaker 2:We're in this together.
Speaker 3:We say it cliche like, but it's, we're in this together.
Speaker 2:We say it cliche, but we are in this together. I mean, we all learn from each other and we support each other. And looking back to two and a half years ago, or when I was two and a half years out or something like that, I think back to where I was and where I am now and I'm like I'm grateful that I've chosen to continue to make that decision to honor and to live.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And you're doing the same thing and it makes me proud of you and proud of all of us to continue.
Speaker 1:Yes, there's bad days and I remember that one of those meetings and you were talking about, you just couldn't imagine even going to Jordan's wedding and how would you even possibly make it through your day? And I look at those pictures and it's just I mean, I know you had such sad moments but there is so much joy on all of your faces and I'm just so happy it was.
Speaker 3:And I'm going to tell one last, really fast story because I hope that she listens to it. My best friend and it would be Jordan's friend, bailey, it's her mom, her son got married a few years ago and when she was coming down the aisle we joke and we say it was really funny because all of a sudden she's doing the ugly cry.
Speaker 2:Y'all know what the ugly cry is.
Speaker 3:It's like she just happened to call her son and I was like God, no matter what, please do not let me do the ugly cry.
Speaker 2:That's all I need. The day will be successful. The day will be successful.
Speaker 3:We're getting ready to walk and Sean's brother walked me down the aisle and we kind of came around the corner and two of my friends were sitting in the back. And Jordan, it was a phone-free wedding supposed to be. You were not supposed to have your phone out. Yeah, and lo and behold, of course two of my closest friends are back there in the back with the cameras held high recording and I was so grateful because I didn't do the ugly cry, because it just cracked me up. Yeah, breaking the rules right there.
Speaker 3:So I didn't do the ugly cry, but I did do the ugly cry when Bailey came down the aisle. But you know you, I didn't know how I would get through it. But you know, when you lose one and you get to see the other one, filled with joy and marrying the love of her life and marrying quite possibly, I'll say, the second sweetest man on earth, then if you find a way to get through it, yes, Well, I'm just so glad.
Speaker 1:I can't wait to see the rest of the pictures.
Speaker 3:I know me either. Y'all will see them for sure.
Speaker 1:Yes, well, thank you again for coming on. Thank you. Yes, we so appreciate it. We'll share your soul.
Speaker 3:Thank you. I appreciate you guys having me and, if it you know, yes, and we'll see you soon.
Speaker 1:Just a yes Week next week, yes, I will be there Day after my birthday, so. Yes, well, happy birthday early, thank you.
Speaker 3:I am.
Speaker 2:How'd you know? I love it, oh my God.
Speaker 3:Thank you, I know Thank you all. Bye I love it.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, thank you and thank you all for listening bye guys yes bye.