Warrior Moms: Surviving Child Loss
This podcast features Amy Durham and Michele Davis, two of the Warrior Moms, who will guide listeners through their grief journey. Every fourth or fifth episode will showcase another Warrior Mom, the trauma they endured, stories about their beloved child, and tips on how they get out of bed every day.
Each and every Warrior Moms' story is different, the children and the loss is different, but one thing they share is the decision to live. They have figured out how to live life putting one foot in the past and the other moving forward. Yes, it's beyond awful. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's worth it. And yes, they say, you can survive child loss AND thrive.
Warrior Moms: Surviving Child Loss
Cole Couey's Story: Ep 29
Brandi joins us for a deeply moving episode of Warrior Moms, where she shares an intimate and poignant story about her son Cole, a young man whose spirit touched everyone he met. Discover how Cole's joyful nature and love for sports and life left an indelible mark on his family, friends, and community. Through Brandi's vivid storytelling, we get to know Cole as a kind-hearted, humorous soul, forming bonds on and off the field, and even bringing laughter home with playful antics.
But life took a devastating turn with a tragic car accident that claimed Cole's life. Brandi opens up about the heart-wrenching weekend that changed everything, painting an immense picture of the support and love that family, friends, and their school community gave them. As we listen, Brandi shares the essential guidance from a family friend who had walked a similar path, and the powerful tribute organized to honor Cole's memory, complete with heartfelt mementos and an unforgettable timeline of his life.
In her journey of navigating grief, Brandi shares personal reflections on finding moments of healing and normalcy. We explore the strategies she employed—such as reading and exercise—that brought solace amidst sorrow. By embracing Cole's essence of joy, Brandi inspires us with her resilience, finding comfort in teaching and connecting with those around her. This episode is a testament to the enduring power of love, community, and the cherished memories of those we hold dear.
"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton
Thank you for listening to Warrior Moms podcast. It is an honor to share about our beloved children gone too soon, and we hope by telling of our loss, it may help someone in their grief journey. Please note that we are not medical professionals and encourage those listening to seek help from mental health professionals.
We'd love to hear from our followers!
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With love,
Warrior Moms Amy & Michele
Well, hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms. It's been a minute, Amy, I know. I know we said that once school got back in we would be more on a routine, but I don't think so. No, well, I'm just. I'm glad to see your face. I know you've had a few things on your plate recently, so I'm glad you're back and feeling back. I know.
Michele Davis :I'm excited to see everybody and I'm really excited to see our friend today. Miss Brandy, you are on the scene, hello, welcome. Of course we don't want you to be here, but we're so glad that you are and that we've met you and gosh, just from the second I met well, actually, even before I met you people said oh my gosh, you've got to meet Brandy. She is just with just your joy and, I don't know, just your love for, of course, your kids, and so that's what we're-. And life. You seem to enjoy life.
Michele Davis :You radiate?
Brandi Couey:happiness, so I try my best.
Michele Davis :Well, let's, let's start out with just tell us who Cole is.
Brandi Couey:Well, do you want me to start from? At what point would you like for me to start?
Michele Davis :Yeah, just tell us like start with maybe just describing adjectives like what you would how would you describe him? And then maybe, if there's a story that sticks out when you talk about Cole, that you're like, ah, this really captures a good piece of him.
Brandi Couey:Right? Well, let's see. So from birth, I mean pretty much, he was always infectious, like, could walk in and regardless of the people in the room, he could find something in common with anybody from, I mean, from older people to younger people. He just enjoyed life. It was so funny. You were talking about joy. Joy is 100% what I would use to describe him. And it's so weird when I talk about it because you know, people are like, well, you know, there had to have been just some times where he was Nope, nope, there weren't. Like I don't know how to explain it Like he was a great friend to all.
Brandi Couey:He was a great kid, a good student. Teachers loved him. He was I clearing brawl, both teams out on the field. We were just watching it and Cole looks over at me, goes God, mom, I would love to be in a brawl like that. And my husband starts dying laughing. He said, cole, have you't think so? Like um, just the most kind hearted um, just I don't know how to explain it Like I don't. I always said he hatched from an egg, cause I have a pretty fast, hot temper. And um, he was just even keel. Um, you know all about what's fair and his coaches loved him. Just a great, just a great kid, a great young man what sports did he play?
Michele Davis :You say, his coaches loved him. What sports did he play?
Brandi Couey:So his dad was a baseball player. So we started out in the baseball. We played every sport, let's just say that, but started out soccer. Like you know, a lot of little kids do Get some energy out, yeah, yes. Then we went on to t-ball and he played travel travel baseball for a while and, like a lot of kids, he got burnout. He was just, he didn't have that kind of personality where he just had to be, you know. So he was like yeah, these people take this too seriously. I'm ready to move on. So he started they.
Brandi Couey:He kind of dabbled in football a little bit when he was little, but he was always tall but super skinny and so I was afraid they're going to break him in half, but I'll let him do it anyway. But he picked it back up in eighth grade and really, really loved it, ended up being a receiver all the way through school. And he played basketball. Now, basketball wasn't his. He was great at basketball, but it wasn't. You know his love. But he absolutely adored his basketball coach. So I promise you, without a doubt, he stuck it out in basketball so he could be with his coach. Oh, I love that. Yes, and they had a great bond and he's just and I actually teach with him and taught both of his children, oh my gosh, so just, um, just the. I mean they had this crazy bond and Jacob, that was his coach.
Brandi Couey:He said, you know, I could come in all mad at halftime and I would look over and look at Cole and I couldn't be mad anymore. I would just start laughing, cause Cole would be like what do we? What do we when we go home, coach? Are we going to stop at Bucky's on the way home? You know, like whatever. I think he has told a story literally where they went in like five below on the way from a way to a way away game and they went in five below and found these bananas, like plastic bananas or something All the boys did who knows, you know, they're high school boys and he's sitting over there like poking people in the back of the head while Jacob's like slinging the you know his clipboard, like you know coach's stuff, and Cole's over there, like you know, he's like, oh my God, he's like, you know, just a good hearted kid. Yes.
Michele Davis :Oh, my gosh, that's. I think that I mean I have such a clear picture in my head. Absolutely, I love it silly, funny, goofy.
Brandi Couey:I don't know he would do, and one of the things he liked to do was get my daughter's american girl doll stuff and dress our cat up and mean like as a teenager you know this wasn't when he was little and he put like the little glasses on the cat and he put the cat in his overalls and carried around. I mean like it was always something. He was never bored, ever so.
Michele Davis :So if Cole wasn't playing sports or being silly with his sister, what were some of the things that Cole loved to do?
Brandi Couey:So he and his dad hunted quite a bit duck hunted, different things like that. He was very active, which was very strange. He started going to youth group with a friend of his when he was young, at a whole different church than ours, and got really involved in their youth group and they may. He made a connection with some. He did a thing called Johnny and Friends and it's a camp for special needs children but their whole family goes and that was something he was super, super passionate about. He did an internship at our elementary school with the self-contained special ed kids and they just thought he was, you know, the best thing ever.
Brandi Couey:But he, that camp, I mean he came home from that. He, I think he and one of his friends, evelyn, went together. It was in Nauvoo, alabama. I may be butchering that, but anyway. But it's a super cool camp. I mean state-of-the-art facilities and they would assign you to a family and sometimes your job was to watch the other siblings, sometimes your job was to be with that special needs child, sometimes it was just to be a you know, whatever your job was. And he came home from that camp and it was just like wow, like he had kind of found his thing and it was I didn't get to talk to him.
Brandi Couey:I had never not communicated with him, you know cause. You know, I mean he'd go off on trips and stuff, but I would be able to talk to him at least at night or whatever, but they had no cell service. So, um, I only got to talk to him every other day. But I mean it didn't matter because he knew exactly. You know he was so, so excited doing that, loved that camp, went back the next year, um, and did it again.
Brandi Couey:Um, did lots of stuff with Dan, spent lots of time with his friends just doing crazy stuff. I mean they would who knows what they would do, but all kinds of stuff. Um, he was very active, you know, graduated from high school, went to Georgia Southern, was an ATO at Southern, so that kept him busy. You know he just, I don't know, had a girlfriend occasionally. You know he was just I don't know. He would just go hang out with his nanny, you know, like his grandmother, and just hang out with his old nanny and she'd cook him some pancakes and they just hang out and talk about the weather or politics.
Brandi Couey:He could just as easily hang out with her as he could his own friends like I don't. It's hard to explain because it's almost like just an old soul, you know, um, it looks like it, yeah, just just that, just. But he did not. It's the funniest story. Um, he didn't like to be by himself ever super, super social, and when he was little little he would get in trouble for something who knows what probably being mean to his sister and I'd say, mama, just spank me. Mama, just spank me.
Brandi Couey:And I realized very quickly he did not want to have to sit by himself somewhere, and so that was definitely an eye-opening experience for me, because he wanted spankings way more than he wanted me to isolate him. So you know, I had to those different kinds of disciplinary measures. I realized real quick to get what I wanted out of him I had to separate him from everybody else. He needed that. So so much, it's precious.
Michele Davis :He'll stink up on top of it, right? Yes, so we'll switch gears. Okay, we talked about he went to college and was an ATO. This, of course, is leading to the tragedy, right? So walk us through that day.
Brandi Couey:Okay.
Brandi Couey:So, um, he had, he and his friend um had came home for the weekend, um, to go on a dove hunt with my husband and um, they it was one of those weird like January it was January 31st, but it was one of those weird weekends where it kind of warmed up a little bit. It was kind of humid, yucky outside, but they came in, he went to a basketball game, he and his friends, they went and visited all their people that they wanted to see. And you know, like it never crossed my mind that this would be the last time that I would get to visit. So I'm like, well, go see so-and-so and go see you know. You know I'm sending him out to visit. And um, so they had gone hunting the day before and came home that night and stayed out late that night and got up the next morning and they were about to head to Georgia Southern. They were literally about to head out the door and, um, I was like, oh no, literally about to head out the door and I was like, oh no, you smell like a goat. Go get in the shower. So I sent him back to that shower and Brad was like what I said, brad, I don't even know that he's bathed all weekend. They were just busy going, you know, normal boy stuff. So anyway, so our day, kind of you know. They sent him back to take a shower.
Brandi Couey:We packed them up, they were on their way, they were riding in with Jordan Jordan's truck and they got about right outside. I think they were about 30 minutes away from Southern and a storm came out of nowhere like a really bad storm, wind blowing, and that road is awful anyway, leading into Georgia, southern. It's not safe at all. There's no lights, there are the water puddles and, from what we understand, because a lady did reach out to us that had followed behind them literally from downtown Atlanta to the wreck she was right behind them. She reached out to us because you know we had so many questions but according to her, what happened was there was a transfer truck it was her, them and a transfer truck. The storm blew up. They were not speeding, according to her. I mean, they're all going 65, 55 or 75 or whatever, depending on the traffic, and they hydroplaned off the road. It was somewhere between 3.30, 4.30, somewhere right there in the afternoon Hit a tree. She was the first one to them. It was a smaller truck and she got to him she couldn't get to the driver's side got to his side and she heard him hear his last breath. I mean she was right there with him.
Brandi Couey:But the craziest part of the whole thing is like I'm doing my normal Sunday chores. You know, like that's the weirdest part to me. I had gone to the grocery store and done all those things and I'm doing laundry in our bedroom, I'm folding clothes and my husband's on the back porch like smoking a cigar or whatever it is he's doing back there and he taps on the window and he said have you checked on Cole in my 360? And I was like I will in a minute. And I just kind of glanced down and saw they weren't moving down, and saw they weren't moving. And Brad, literally a couple of seconds before me, did the same thing and and their their speed, cause you know how when you hydroplane your speed accelerates. He actually saw the acceleration on my 360 and then it go back down and so but at that point I had no idea, like I just knew I just was, he wasn't moving. And so I thought, well, I'll just call and check on him.
Brandi Couey:So I couldn't get him to answer. I called and called, and called, and called and called. I called his girlfriend at Southern and his roommates, two of his three roommates he grew up with in Rome and we're best friends with. So they start and I said maybe he's blown a tire. I mean, like it wasn't it it? It concerned me that he didn't answer the phone, but not really Cause, you know, like, maybe it was out in the rain, maybe it was, you know, I just didn't know. And so the weather was actually so bad that they couldn't get to him Thank goodness at this time. But they couldn't even get from Statesboro to where he was. So I have a little funny story in a minute.
Brandi Couey:But so I started calling. Um, I called our 911 and I said what do I do? My brother's a fireman. Um, my brother-in-law works for the sheriff's department. And I said what do I do? My brother's a fireman, my brother-in-law works for the sheriff's department. So I was. They said call them and see if they can switch you over. Give you the number and I could look on my 360 map and see where his last location was. So I could find, you know, that county's 911.
Brandi Couey:So I called and I gave a description, I told them what happened, and they told me that it was awful rain, blah, blah, blah, so that they would get back to me. So I waited and waited, and waited, and waited and waited and never got a call back. Called them back again and they said can you tell me your son's birthday? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, just, you know, because 911 dispatchers, I guess, are trained to not be emotional, right, blah, blah, you know, just, you know, because 9-1-1 dispatchers, I guess, are trained to not be emotional, right. And so they're like no, we don't have anybody with that birthday.
Brandi Couey:And I was like, okay, well, come to find out later on. He they that he had his fake ID in his wallet. So that's what they had was his fake, which is why they couldn't tell why the birthday wasn't right. Oh, my gosh. So you know, even after death, he was playing tricks on us. Yeah, exactly, it was crazy, because at that point they still wouldn't tell us anything on the phone. So I'm sitting there on the couch, my husband's sitting on our love seat, tv's going. We're still thinking nothing. That's what I was going to say At this point. You're not worried. No, I'm still not Like. I'm like he's broke down the side of the road you know, something.
Brandi Couey:So I'm sitting on the couch and I can see out our front window and you can see the road, and I saw policemen slowly go by and, bam, something hit me and I said, brad, that policeman's backing up. And so we both get up and we run out there and I just it's, that's the most, that that is the most vivid thing that I can remember from that time Because, as you both know, at some point you go a little blank. Yeah, the police car pulls up and he says your son has been in an accident. And I said, is he okay? And he says no, he, I don't. I don't remember the exact words, but it starts drizzling at that point and I don't remember how I got from there inside. I remember him asking me the policeman, who do you want me to call? And I said Brad's brother and my brother and um, because I wanted Brad's sister to be able to be with his mom, and I don't.
Brandi Couey:I honestly have no idea how this, all this clarity, was happening in my brain, but I remember that Annie was in her bedroom. She comes out of her bedroom, um, at this she was in eighth grade. Eighth grade, okay, so 13. Yeah, 13. She's got one of those weird birthdays. She's the baby in her grade, so I don't even know if she was 13 yet at that point, but she's. She's young for her grade, but I think she was already 13,. Maybe fixed her in 14. I don't know, but anyway, 12 or 13.
Brandi Couey:And she hears us out in the hall. She comes out in the hall. I can't stand up. She comes over to me. I mean my brother comes in, and that's where everything starts getting a little fuzzy for me. At that point things starts getting a little fuzzy for me at that point and I remember tons of I mean hundreds of people showing up at our house. We have a very, very, very tight knit community here, the model community, and I mean like the football players came over and put hay in our yard so people wouldn't get stuck in the yard.
Brandi Couey:We have a really big three. We have about three acres in the front of our yard and people were getting stuck. I mean, it was I don't know, I don't.
Michele Davis :at that point, Lips of images right.
Brandi Couey:Yes, I remember certain people coming in. I remember getting real mad because I wanted everybody out of his room like immediately, and you know, people don't know what to do. But I got, I went to the mad phase real quick because I just wanted control and I wanted to.
Brandi Couey:I wanted control of something, and so we knew that his roommates were on their way back in and we wanted everybody to leave. When they got there and his girlfriend her stepdad's a pilot, and I think John flew them in. I'm not sure about that completely, but she got there at some point and they had been dating. They had met at Southern right before October, so they had been dating a couple of months when this happened in January. But it was just the most like. It was just like a fog that I don't know like, and I stopped sleeping completely, like it was the strangest thing. It was like my brain could not cut off.
Brandi Couey:Um, strangely enough, one of my very best friends growing up um, this was the day after one of my very best friends growing up, his sister, was killed in a car wreck either coming home or going to Athens I don't remember which, but it was when we were in, we had just graduated from high school. She was in high school and his mom showed up and she grabbed me and took me to the back room. She's actually runs the Compassionate Friends here in Rome, oh my gosh. So she took me back there and she said Brandy, I need you to listen to me and I said okay.
Brandi Couey:She said I know how you are. I've known you since you were five years old, so you've got to have something that you can control. And I said you're absolutely correct. I do, sandra, tell me, tell me what I can do. And she said and she had a list of things. And this has kind of been my I don't know if passion's the word, but thing that I do now if I know that someone has lost a child you know, it was a list um get a locket of his hair, um get fingerprints, even if you don't want to do anything with it, any of this stuff right now. And she said, most importantly, take your time with his arrangements.
Brandi Couey:Do not let anyone rush you. She said Brandi, I want you to think about all the things that you have planned for him over the years.
Speaker 3:And this is it. This is the thing. This is the celebration of Cole. So I did and I pissed a lot of people off.
Brandi Couey:Because I was like I'm not ready, they're like you need to do. I don't need to do anything, I need you to shut up, let me do this. And so I mean that was the best advice anyone gave me, like, and she said if somebody is getting on your nerves or you just want everybody to leave, tell them, brandy, tell them. I said, now, sandra, I'm not gonna have any problem with that, but the planning part, like I feel like everybody just wants to hurry up and get it done and then when it's done, you don't know what just happened. And I waited and it was the most honoring thing that I could have ever done for him and I had it when I went to the funeral home. I guess the day after we had to wait, it was the strangest thing with him. And I had it when I went to the funeral home. I guess the day after it was the strangest thing with him. If I'm getting off, just let me know.
Brandi Couey:So you know, they took his body and his friend who was also killed in the wreck to the hospital and it was during COVID I mean, this is COVID time. Well, cole had no injuries, except for his neck and his face. So it was. You know, the cause of death was blunt trauma. What is it called? Blunt trauma to the head or to the neck or whatever. So all of his organs could be used Now.
Brandi Couey:So they call Brad, in the middle of all this going on, the organ donor people. And you know cause. I know they have to make a quick decision, I realize it now. But, um, they said, you know his heart, his lungs, his liver, his kidneys, his I mean everything. And um, then they called us back and, like you know, the timeline gets a little shaky and said, however, he tested positive for COVID and at that time they would not use anything on him. They were able to use parts of his eyes I don't really know something to do with the vessels and the iris and the something, but because you know, they just didn't know, then, right, and that devastated me, because he was an avid I mean avid organ donor, you know, like the card and all yeah and um, and when they said that I was, you know now we know that it's fine, you know now we know Right, but at that time we didn't.
Brandi Couey:So that was pretty devastating.
Brandi Couey:I don't remember where I was going with that, but um, anyway, that was kind of that time period, but so, anyway, so that happened and they could use some of the other organs, correct, they were able to use some of the eye parts, um, and we got a thing from those people telling us what, um, and if we wanted to get what exactly in the eye they could use, but none of the major organs. So, but so we, um, we were able to. I mean, we have. I don't. I don't know how to explain to people that aren't from a small town or from a amazing community what happened to this community. Like there was not a mailbox within, oh my God, 50 miles from here that didn't have a blue ribbon on it. Like we had a florist here that every one of them tied ribbon. I mean, she tied ribbons for days and gave them out. We had people selling t-shirts because we, oh, the other thing that Sandra had told me was to start a foundation or to start a something you know, like a scholarship or something in his name. So, immediately, I have another friend that started. She was on that. Like that, like the support system that I had, that my family had, that Cole's friends had at Georgia Southern. Like I will forever, forever love Georgia Southern. Like they took care of those kids. They loved those boys, they loved the dorm kids, they loved Annabelle who was his girlfriend. They loved all of his friends, emily McHenry, like they all lived in the same. I mean, it was just unbelievable the support that I felt and the love that I felt and the people just holding me up, and so, oh, I know what I was saying.
Brandi Couey:So we went to the funeral home to see him. These are people that we know that run these, you know, like this is a little town, barry Henderson, who owns Henderson, you know, funeral home, has been friends with Brad's family for a million years. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we walk in and I sit down and I don't know what he thought he was going to get. But I said I need to see him and he said, brandy, you, you don't want to right now. I said I need to see him and he said, brandi, you don't want to right now. I said I'm seeing him and he talked me off the ledge a little bit and he said give me an hour. And so he got something in the works.
Brandi Couey:But I had this mental clarity that I've probably not had since then, honestly, when I was in that funeral home that I've never had before. Like I went into mama mode, teacher mode, brandy mode, you know, like I knew exactly how I wanted everything planned and if I couldn't have it this way, I was going to have it another way. If I couldn't have it at model high school gym which I knew that I probably couldn't, because I mean we were considered the super spreader event Um, so they, we found another friend who had an even better property, who let us use it, and it was beautiful and on a lake and, um, like I don't know how to explain to you my vision and how my friends made that vision happen. And the music all of his friends from high school and college got together and made a playlist together. I never, I didn't even hear it until that day.
Brandi Couey:I mean we went from Beastie Boys to Morgan Wallen to rap. I mean, like in the middle of this ceremony, you know, and I'm like, ok, we had kind of open mic, I mean there were thousands of people at his. You know like, yeah, I don't know, I just wanted something and when you walked in there was a picture of him wanted something, and when you walked in there was a picture of him. But I wanted you, as you were standing in line, to see Cole from a baby all the way up. So they kind of walked through a Cole timeline and I know that sounds insane, that I was able to even think this up and that my friends knew exactly what I was communicating and not just pictures but things Like he has a little stuffed animal. Oh God, I'm going to cry talking about that.
Speaker 3:His name is Arzo. Arzo went to college and Arzo was on a table.
Brandi Couey:Brad had an uncle named Arzo, so that's a long story, but it's a little blue bear.
Speaker 3:He was there Still in his bed, but we used to have to sew his little tail on because Cole would rub his tail.
Michele Davis :Oh my gosh.
Brandi Couey:But like his, I don't know all of his things leading up trophies and lettering jackets and just things his friends brought, and so many things and so many people.
Brandi Couey:And it was like I don't know. And the slideshow that a friend of mine put together and I don't, it was amazing, absolutely amazing. And just the boy, the ATO brothers coming in and I don't know, it was just, it was. It was something that if you were there you'll never forget it, ever. And I mean you had his brothers from ATO stand up telling stories about him. You've got his high school buddies that he was friends with from pre-K up telling stories.
Brandi Couey:You know just and then the most surreal part for me was my best, one of my best friends, jason, the one his mom came and talked to me. He was the one he got up and he was my.
Brandi Couey:he took charge, he um cause he'd been there before and he he did the service and it was just, I don't know how to explain it. Service and it was just, I don't know how to explain it, it was just. And I had a friend, I knew exactly what music I needed, played at different times and then that night. So everybody leaves the ceremony and we all go in to. We go in. Let me back up just one minute because I've got to tell this.
Brandi Couey:So the day that I went into the funeral home I've taught with these women that I've been with for 20 odd years. You know like I've been with them a long time, and at that time I am teaching Annie she's in my class at this time period and all of her friends, because they're all in eighth grade and I have them at the high school in eighth grade. And somehow it gets out that I'm about to go to the funeral home to see Cole for the first time and these kids in this building are hitting their floors, hitting their knees on the floor, praying for me, openly weeping in this building, eighth grade teenage boys crying and praying, and like this whole building, I mean we have 900 and something students and 80 something faculty and they're all like mourning with me and these are kids who had grown up with Cole.
Speaker 3:And as the big brother, and so anyway, I can say that because that was how.
Brandi Couey:I felt back and I think that's how I got through with the clarity that I did at the funeral home Because there were so many people saying you know what she can do. This God, you might need to give her a little help, but you know like there we go.
Brandi Couey:It was just. It was a surreal moment and I didn't find out those things till a lot later, when my teacher friends told me you know, they're all. You know they've got their watches set to go off and they're all praying and the whole building's praying for my family. So beautiful, and I still feel that support now, almost four years later, like it's insane, like I still, you know, people come and check on me all the time. Are you, are you okay, brandy? Like we had a, a tragic death of a boy not too long ago, go here and they were taking on me. You know, like I know this brings back. You know, know, I mean it's. I don't know how to explain this community. It's an it's You're doing an incredible job.
Michele Davis :I can just picture it in each of these snapshots just show just such enormous love and to me it just speaks of this Well undeniable love for you and for Cole and Annie and your husband. But also this like no fear about this whole grieving process, Like we're just going to lean in, just like your son would have done.
Brandi Couey:They became him for you, I agree, and I've always been a jump in and ask questions later kind of girl. And so when people you know ask me about that grieving process or how we're dealing with the grieving process, I don't know how to do it another way. Like there's no magic, I never. Like there's no magic, I never, I never turned inward in my grieving process. I definitely became, you know, I started counseling immediately with another friend that her husband was one of Cole's basketball coaches in middle school and she was she's a trauma counselor. And then she found somebody for Annie that did like outdoor counseling, cause that was a big part of, you know, our kids growing up. We're always on the river. We were fishing, we were hunting, you know we're always doing, even still doing those kinds of things. So Annie was able to connect that way too. I just I didn't know, I don't know how to do it a different way.
Michele Davis :I didn't know, I don't know how to do it a different way. Um well, thank you living. Yeah, well it's. I mean, I'm just so thankful for that because it's as we all know, this is just it's not supposed to happen this way, and it, the pain is is just, it's palpable, I mean it's just um, you know you, just, you just want to grab a blankie and a pillow and just cry yourself for the whole time. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
Michele Davis :Well, I'm just so sorry, but what I am thankful for is those words that that friend of yours told you about taking your time. I mean, my goodness, it sounds like you got to do. I did Create this incredible celebration of Cole. It's just beautiful.
Brandi Couey:And then that's what I was telling Amy about earlier. Cole and I are the live out loud in our family, and then my husband and my daughter are more private. Now my husband could literally run for mayor and get it. I would not be a first, I wouldn't be a good first lady, but he would be perfect. But so I also, in my mind, had to figure out a way to address their grief as well. So when we did that part you know the receiving of friends and all that we had a private graveside ceremony. That was very intimate. It was our family, cole's roommates, his girlfriend, and that was it. Like we had Brad's family, you know, like it was very very small, in the nation only.
Brandi Couey:Yes, I mean it was very, very intimate and I got kind of a funny story. I mean it's so funny to me now that I kind of look back on all the times that Cole showed up during those times. So it's this very like reverent moment, and right where Cole is buried which that is a whole nother story the grave where his ashes are was not even there a month before. Wow.
Brandi Couey:There was a ginormous like oak tree that fell right there and it's right directly in front of my husband's father's grave, oh my gosh. So that whole area just opened up and so we were able to use that area. Well, it's right beside our city's rec department where there's like a playground, there's a pool, you know, it's like a little play area. We're out there having our little reverent moment and there's kids on the playground laughing and shrieking and you know the preacher's looking at me like I'm like Brad's mama's done, laughing because she's like there's Cole right there. Now, we know, you know, and that kind of stuff doesn't faze me anyway, but it was just one of those like we all had to stop and giggle for a moment because we were all like, oh my god, you know, like this is so funny. We're singing, you know, amazing grace, and then there's these little kids over there running around and going crazy, and it was just one of those very surreal moments.
Brandi Couey:But you know, I just I don't know. You know people ask me about the grieving process all the time, like how do you do it every day? I don't know. I don't know. We're all in the same boat. I do not know. There's no magic potion. I have to live intentionally and I have to figure out how to get me through, and I will tell you that one of the things that helped me the most was when I started going to counseling. And.
Brandi Couey:I knew this lady. She and I are friends and she said but, brandy, I want you to think about, I had to figure out who I was separate from being Cole's, mama Annie's, mama Brad's wife to be able to figure out my grieving process and what I did well without them, and turns out it's teaching. So I deal with other people's kids well and that's, you know, that's my thing. And when you know, I was out for about two months but I came back before the end of the year and I wanted to end the year with those kids who had hit their knees and prayed for me to make it through and I ended my year with them. I came back after spring break, like right after April, and finished to the end of the year with them because I knew that they knew my story and if I sat there and cried for a little bit, they'd cry with me, right, and I need people to understand that these are 13 and 14 year old boys and girls. You know like yeah.
Brandi Couey:Did you feel like?
Michele Davis :it was a sense of normalcy too.
Brandi Couey:Yes, For me to get up and have a purpose. Yeah, I bet I walked as well. A million miles, Rain, storm, sleet. I walked and walked and walked and walked and walked. I found my husband would get so mad at me because I would like put those headphones on and I'd go. I'd find somewhere we have some great trails by the river in Rome. And he was like are you scared? I said you know what, buddy, I'm not scared of anything anymore. Like what are you going to?
Brandi Couey:do to me now. You know, and I know we all kind of feel that way, Like what?
Brandi Couey:I mean I don't care, I mean I'm not scared of anything now. But those were the kinds of things, the normalcy, like you said, the going to school, planning a lesson even if it wasn't great, it was something normal and, um, yeah, that was that was. You know, those were the things that kind of got me through. And then just support from my friends, um, about the time of Cole's accident. Not long after that, one of my very best friends got diagnosed with breast cancer. So honestly, as bad as it sounds and she won't care that I'm saying this it was kind of a distraction for me because then I could be there for her. And you know, people say you get through things by being there for other people. So I was able to be there when she, you know, got her hair cut off and I met Pam. You've met Pam.
Michele Davis :She's been with me to meet you. Yeah, she's your emotional support.
Brandi Couey:She's my emotional support animal is what I call her. Um, but it was. We were able to go through that together. Her um daughter and and um Cole were best friends. So, um, I don't know it, that was just. There were just lots of things that that normalcy, or able to be there for somebody else or I don't know, just that kind of stuff that I'm for sure the hardest thing that was is to raise another child while you're grieving one million percent.
Brandi Couey:We're just gonna ask about yeah um, that's, that's a toughie, like grieving yourself and knowing that there has to be that process but then balancing what the other two, what my husband needs from me, because we all know those statistics aren't great either when you have the death of a child and then you know like those aren't great statistics.
Brandi Couey:And then I also have this daughter who's in the middle of crazy adolescence. You know it's not easy being a 13 year old girl and having to figure out what does she need, separate from grief. Is this grief, is it not grief? Is what I'm feeling grief? You know it's a constant guessing, but once again I have so many people that would just. You know, brandy, this is normal. My daughter did this too, you know, and I don't know, and I just have to kind of let her. You know. At first I tried to push things on her and then I realized she grieves a lot differently than me and as long as she does have some grieving process, that's healthy. But it doesn't look like mine, you know, like my husband's doesn't look like mine either. So that was a hard step too, isn't it? That's hard to realize, yes, and I think that's part of where the marital issues come in, sometimes with people because they don't think the other one cared enough or is, hey, you know, or being whatever, but it's just, I don't know.
Brandi Couey:my husband's my best friend, I'm not afraid to say that, and we're that way before, we're a married couple and we dated forever before we got married and I don't know, I don't. There's no way I could have gotten through any of this. You know like yeah. And I don't know like we. I feel like we came out on the other side, not stronger, but with a different kind of strength. Other side, not stronger, but with a different kind of strength.
Michele Davis :Yeah, I don't know how to explain that, but um, well, because there's this new depth that you've just had to walk through, you know and climb out and still carry all of the things that you found in the depth you know with you absolutely and just you know, trying to figure out, just navigating Annie's needs and and what?
Brandi Couey:am I being too much? Am I being too little? Am I being this? You know, you just don't know. And I feel like I know adolescents pretty well, but when it's your own kid and these are uncharted territories and I don't know, it's still, I think, on a good day without all this other hard stuff. You know, raising teenage girls is kind of and she's a good girl, she's a sweet girl, a smart girl, you know athletic and you know kind and all those things. But, like you know, you know it is. And and also I have to keep in mind that and I don't know how to say this without being like now her brother is forever, immortalized, forever as this perfect person. Was he a perfect person? Absolutely not. He got spankings, just like the rest of them. He begged to get spanked.
Brandi Couey:He begged it. You know, like but like. How do you live up to that? How do you drive into Model High School parking lot with his face on a fence, with a huge tree in our back area that has a big plaque, you know, with his name? On it.
Brandi Couey:And everywhere you turn in this building, people are wearing Cooey t-shirts with 10 on the back because that was the big fundraiser. I mean, we sold thousands of them and like I have to navigate that for her as well, because she is just as precious, you know, like she has her own things that are amazing. Like I 'd never have to screenshot power school and say, hey, why did you, why did you turn in this assignment, where that was a daily occurrence with Cole, and she's very driven and she is a. I mean. One thing they do share is they are very, very loyal to their friends and to their people and they love hard. Both of them are they love hard, but in different ways, and I want for her to recognize that she has just as much to offer. But that is so hard. That's the hardest thing to me.
Michele Davis :It is because it's you know you're, yeah, you're carrying your own pain and trying to, you know, like step kind of aside from that grief to parent without putting your grief onto them. It's so, so challenging, for sure. Well, and you said something too like he's immortalized, like we do, we typically we tend to put these, our kids that have gone up here, you know, and Alec was a hellion, I mean, he was, he was not, you know this great. He was a great kid. He was great. He was great in his own way.
Brandi Couey:but he was trouble, right, but they weren't angels by any means.
Michele Davis :No, but sometimes I do I forget to talk about that because we didn't want to this. Yeah, you know, we want to remember the good.
Brandi Couey:yeah, I got kind of cracked up when at the service the very first boy that gets up was one of cole's ato brothers and he was the one that kind of drug cole in and he started out the memorial service by talking about cole's favorite um alcoholic beverage. No, my, you know um, almost 19 year old, who wasn't even 19, and I was a bit, you know, almost 19 year old who wasn't even 19 yet. But you know like, but it's so hard for me to I try. You know we want people to talk about them, we don't. But I don't want that to be the only part of the conversation. You know, I don't want that to be the only thing and I want things to be as spectacular for her as they were for him and I have talked to several people about this like this next step for her going off for college next year she'll get to be Annie, she won't have to be Cole's sister or someone that's she doesn't have to tell that story.
Brandi Couey:If she doesn't want to, yeah, but she can choose to. You know, it's on her terms. So like I'm kind of excited for that next step of her journey, to be able to be that person, separate from him, um, but also enjoying life like he did too. So I don't know, that's kind of tricky.
Michele Davis :It is tricky for sure. Well, I mean everything you've told us. You talk your way. You know like relationships are, so you can just see it and feel it so big and you're going to talk your way through it with, with her, and lucky to have you for sure. What, um, one of the things that I know moms often talk about is those first couple of years. You know, even if you're like intentional about your grief, there's still just things that we just can't do. Like I could. For some reason I couldn't. I mean here I'm an English teacher like you and I couldn't read a book that was so emotional to me. I mean school books, fine, but like something for you know, or go get my haircut, or whatever.
Brandi Couey:Were there things where it was like, oh my gosh, um, strangely, enough, cause I hate to cook, like I hate to cook, um, but I struggled with going to the grocery store because all I could do is I was like why are these people here? You know, like you're, y'all are normal. You're getting to walk down the aisles and hum to the fun songs at Kroger. And here I am. You know, like I can't even do. You know, I was terrified, mortified if I ran into somebody, because I would immediately just start crying and um, and I and people didn't expect me to do anything else, but I think I expected myself to do something else. I don't know. That was really really tough for me Was going to the grocery store, and I'll tell you what you're talking about getting your hair cut.
Brandi Couey:If y'all see my new hairdo, thank you. I had not gotten my hair cut since Cole's accident until this summer. I didn't really connect the two until it happened. And then I was like you know, like I've let go of something and it was all. It's always something. I don't want to touch things. Oh, I know a big one. I just remembered this one. So I had back surgery. I had a cyst on my spine Long story, but that happened last August. I would not touch. You know, we have all those socks with no matches at the bottom of our laundry basket, I would not touch those socks.
Brandi Couey:I think I said something about that in our Warrior Moms Facebook group. I mean, it got to where it was at the top, but I knew what was at the bottom. I knew that once I start doing it that it would just be so. I had a friend when I had back surgery. She spent all day long matching socks for me.
Brandi Couey:Oh my God she literally took it and I told her. I said, amy, I can't do this, I can't. And she literally sat away from me Like I was in the bedroom laying down doing whatever, cause I just had surgery. She took it away from me and matched every single sock for me in that basket. And when I say there were hundreds of pairs of socks, because I could not make myself do that, because that was something that was there when he was there.
Brandi Couey:I mean that kind of stuff like, and some things. I think I'm losing it, like I still can't. You know, it's just that and it's nothing ever big. Like I can go in his room, I can touch his things. I can't get rid of him yet. But like it's those kinds of small little triggers. Like my husband just surprised me and got me a Jeep. I wanted a Jeep like forever and ever and always. So he just got me a Jeep while I'm getting rid of my Yukon. Well, I had the Yukon with him, yeah, and and I'm like this is ridiculous, let go of the vehicle. But he didn't even. You know, like it's just and I'll find things sometimes. You know just little things here and there and I'm like where did that come from. Oh, that was something Cole got in a Happy Meal toy you know, and I'm like why am I holding on to these ridiculous things?
Michele Davis :I know it's that you know tracing kind of like little connections back to them.
Brandi Couey:Absolutely.
Michele Davis :And I have a Happy Meal toy right.
Brandi Couey:Yeah, I can get rid of it, and it's almost like I take a baby step and then a baby step. We have not put up Christmas. I call this the gauntlet Starting at about Halloween all the way through April, because you have Halloween, which we made a big deal at our house, you know, like all the kids would do hayrides through the neighborhood, you know. And then you have Thanksgiving, Then you have Christmas, which was Cole's favorite hands down. Then you hit January and you've got the accident. Well, about the time I'm getting over that, his birthday hits in April. Then you have Mother's Day and I'm like what in the world is happening? So I get a little break, usually right between April, between the end of May and October.
Brandi Couey:But this year my biggest trigger was starting back to school and a lot of his friends are getting married and having babies and graduating from college and that's all. That's been a new emotion that I haven't had yet.
Brandi Couey:You know, like those things and I'm excited for them, but I'm also like you know, like I have that just oh, and I don't want, and they all invite me to all of their things and I want to go, I want to be there, but I don't want it to be about me While I'm there. Does that make sense?
Michele Davis :It does while I'm there. Does that make sense? It does. One of the things that I realized it was interesting is I didn't go to one of Carter's friends' weddings and I just was sick about it. And then I was recently at another wedding and I ran into that boy that had just gotten married a year prior and I said I'm just so sad and sorry and I said what you said. I just didn't want to be the one crying and have attention.
Michele Davis :He was like Michelle, we would, we would have loved to you know like it didn't matter, and I, I mean, that was such an awakening, like they just want you there. It's one of coal, that's there, and then they, they don't care if you cry, they're just, it's just so but it is.
Brandi Couey:And um, we have a. We have a wedding coming up at the end of October. This one of Cole's super close friends and he's already. He's going to do a memorial table and I wouldn't miss his wedding for the world and um, and one of his other best friends that did a little table for him. It just and I hate that I missed it, but it was the same, it was prom day and I wasn't going to miss anything for somebody else's thing. So I didn't get to go to that. But you know, I told Brad, I said this is going to be rough, but we've got to do it, we've got to be actively involved in these kids' lives, because that's what we would have done anyway. You know we would be there, cole would be there, you know like, but that's that's a toughie is those things like that and those days where you're, I don't know, this beginning of this season, I don't know. I felt like my brain was doing that racing thing again, where, you know, one thought would connect to another thought and I couldn't cut it off.
Michele Davis :In those moments, what do you do? How do you push yourself?
Brandi Couey:I read, I read. I'm an avid reader and I read smut. The trashier the better, absolute trash, like it just takes me to a whole nother realm. I've always read. I'm a reader. I have to shut social media off. That's a big like. I don't know something about that in my brain. I love sharing pictures of coal, I love doing all that, but social media can be a little overwhelming for me sometimes. But I have to just shut that off. I have to go by myself. I have to reconnect to or connect to whatever book I'm reading and that's a bit that's helps me almost every time and it resets.
Brandi Couey:Um, I read everything. I. Just I I'm kidding about why they read some, but that's not the only thing I read. But, like you know, it's just a way to kind of disconnect for a little bit from the reality of my life, which sounds super unhealthy. But like, then I can come back, then I can, I can hit it again. You know I can do this again. And I have to keep. And I'm not a little girl, I'm not a teeny, tiny human, but I have to exercise, I have to like I my body. I mean now I can eat some food, but I also do love exercising and that is huge with me, and I tell people all the time I've just got to be moving. I'm a, I'm not a sit stiller, um, I'm a mover, so um, and I think that's why the reading helps me reconnect, cause it makes me be still yeah that makes sense, like it's something that's really the opposite of my personality.
Brandi Couey:When I tell people I'm a reader, they're like what, you have to sit down to do that? And I'm like, yeah, I know.
Michele Davis :Just like what Amy was like, you know well, it centers you, you know.
Brandi Couey:Absolutely, and I know some people do gardening and some people do, you know, those kinds of calming things. It doesn't require me to think a whole lot either. Yeah. So that's, that's you know cause my job is. I mean, being a teacher. You're constantly needed for something, and so I go home and then I'm constantly needed. So that's just a time where I can just shut my brain off and nobody needs me.
Michele Davis :Yeah, and it's just for you you alone. Absolutely. Well, before we um, you know say goodbye, what's, um, when you think about, you know, the essence of Cole and all of that, what? What's something that you, you know, you loved about him that maybe you see yourself trying to push forward out in the world.
Brandi Couey:I just think to be, um. I grew up a little bit differently, um, than Cole. I had a divorced family. You know, like my mom had Alzheimer's. I had to go through that with her, so I felt like it got me a little. I was a little angry sometimes and, um, I love that.
Brandi Couey:I can think sometimes I know, though, what would Jesus do. I'm like what would Cole do? Like he was so forgiving and so compassionate and I have the passion part. But sometimes the compassion is tough for me because I am about I've really had to sometimes sit back and think like I need this joy to shine through me that he had.
Brandi Couey:Now it's going to come out in a different way. I understand that, but like being patient, sometimes where I want to snap or I have a really hot, quick temper, but then I get over it really quickly and I sometimes I'm making myself OK, like is this kind? Is it helpful? Like, what are these Is? Should it come out of my mouth and that's the essence of who Cole was was the goodness. Brad and I would always laugh and say he was the best parts of both of us put together the calmness that Brad has with the outgoingness and bubbly and energy that I have was kind of put together and I don't know like that's kind of in just the word joy. I don't know how else to explain him other than to say he was a joyous person in all occasions. You know, like, like there were times I'd be like you know, like come on, now let's get mad, let's be angry about this Cole, and he'd be like does it really matter, you know, and I'm like I guess not.
Michele Davis :Oh my gosh, Well, we've come completely full circle. When you were started, that was the word you used to describe Cole joy, and I know, um, this is, I mean just. I feel like I know your son so much better. You just you told in all these beautiful images and just everything from you know sweetness to hilarity, to just you know craziness and um. Thank you so much. And I know it's painful to walk back down these roads, but of course we're living it every moment. And so thank you for sharing, and you shared so many strategies, don't you think, amy? Oh gosh, yes, yes. And you said the grocery store. I couldn't go to the grocery store either.
Brandi Couey:I don't know what it is. Is it just because it's a normal?
Michele Davis :activity. Yeah, I don't know, but yes, so many strategies and things that you know that you don't think are normal, but they are completely normal.
Brandi Couey:Right, it's just whew.
Michele Davis :It's navigating something different every day, every day, yes, and I'm so glad we got to talk to you, brandy yeah, me too with intention in the middle of all this, and so thank you so much um welcome thank you all for joining in and until next time. Until next time, bye.